The Happiest I have ever been.

You know how most people have that one thing that makes them just melt with happiness.

maybe it's chocolate. Maybe it's reading. But it is something that just hearing the words makes you feel euphoric...

I know what you are all thinking...your thinking the basis of my pure happiness is this...


Yes i love my daughter a whole lot. Yes she makes me happy beyond reality...but no...this is not what sends my boddy into shock waves of bliss.

It's this...


sigh....

Did I ever tell you all how we met? No? Well what a story.

which for right now I am not going to tell because I keep getting distracted by the man meat!!!

I sometimes ask myself howin the world I got so lucky. On the rare occasion that I accidently say it outloud and in his presence...he usually just smiles and says..."I'm the Lucky one"

I keep telling him he doesn't have to work so hard to get in my pants...

She may look like him...

and according to everyone...she does. And I do mean everyone.

My parents his parents his co-workers,My friends, the office staff at the apartments...random strangers at sea world.

in fact since she was born I think I can recall only 2 people who said she looked like me.

my family even jokes that D just sat on an egg and hatched her and question if she is actually mine...

this used to annoy me to no end.

until that is 3 weeks ago.

Penny and I were at our MOPS meeting (which my aunt is also a member of) when my daughter first went running after a little boy (who turned and ran...in horror!) and then had a meltdown like her heart was broken when he spurnned her advances.

the other ladies laughed (causing her much distress because "OMG THIS IS SERIOUS!!"

My aunt wiping a tear from her eye and trying to control her laughter announced...

"see that ladies...that dramatic she gets from her mom."

now maybe to the outsider this would seem annoying and kinda slap in the face-ish BUT...

for me (and because I know my aunt) it was a complement...

She was saying.

my daughter...is just like me :)

What's new...

so how long has it been. I don't know.

I do know that it has been long enough that I need to update my readers (if they are in fact still reading )

I joined a mommy group. It's awsome! Penny gets to play with kiddos her own age and mommy gets a couple of hours to hang out with other mommies. I really wish i had done this earlier :)

3 weeks ago we found out i was pregnant. A week ago I had a misscarriage.
It isn't my first loss. I haven't grieved yet...I will. but just not yet.
D is doing great with his new job and just got a raise.

Penelope is walking talking and no longer a baby...kinda makes me sad...but in a happy way if that makes sense.

The wieght loss is still an ongoing battle but I am determined to be at a healthy weighy (i.e. 145 pounds) by the end of the year. i need to loose 1 pound a week which i feel is achievable. I want penny to have a good role modle in me and that means being healthy. I want david to have the beautiful healthy wife he deserves...and I am just so tired of being fat.

Lost...and found

I haven't written in so long. In part because I haven't had time. It seems like anymore the day seems to fly by and before I know it the sun is setting again and penny is getting ready for bed. after a year of mommyhood I still feel like I just don't have a grasp on it sometimes. I qustion my self and onstantly seek approval from others.

I am often jealous of D and penny's relationship. Her face lights up as soon as she see's him. It has been a while since that happend with me. she used to give me big smiles when I walked in her room in the morning but in the last 3 months that has stoped. Which made me sad.

D told me it was just beacuse I am with her all the time and he isn't. He assured me she loves me and is lost when I am not there.

I finally understood the other day when i attended my first MOPS group and had to drop penny off at the moppets group.

Granted i was only gone for 2 hours but as soon as she heard my voice and saw my face she gave me a huge smile and ran to the door with arms outstreatched. It felt wonderful.

I think every mom questions herself from time to time and my therapist says I am having normal natural feelings.

I just wish I didn't. I wish I could be one of those moms who knows what she is doing and has the perfect comeback every single time someone questions her choices. But I don't. It simply makes me question myself even further.

New year...better year!

I won't lie...I was kinda sorta in l;ove with 2010. until the end of september that is.

D's job loss and depression and our finacial woes were very difficult.

And we are still struggaling. He has a job now which is AWSOME! but the pay cut is a lot. and we worry about the hours he will be getting. will it be enough to make our bills.

I feel so helpless. I want to bring in money to help ease the burden. But I feel stuck.

If I get a job then p goes into daycare. Let me just explain that I in NO WAY am a daycare hater...at all. I worked in daycare/preschool for years and I loved it and miss it a lot. but the fact is it is expensive. If i get a job then it would have to be one that pays for her childcare...which in our area...would very likely eat up my entire paycheck.

So that is the problem. do I work to pay for daycare use gas in the car and bring in baisiclly no income?

D has been great though. every day he tells me how much he appreciates me being a stay at home mom. how much of a help i am and how he loves never having to worry about p while he is at work because he knows she is with me and that I am taking care of her.

but it doesn't stop the guilt i feel.

To add more stress my older sis is now living wit my mom. She just recently announced to us that she has been having suicidel thoughts. She is now on meds and seeing a therapist.

but she is also very hard to live with. we her family are unsupportive, uncaring, and apparently the source of her depression.

but her bff is the best ever as is HER family.

I wonder if they would be so caring and wonderful if she lived with them and didn';t pay rent or help out around the house and spent money like it was going out of style...I doubt it.

I hope 2011 will be a better year than the last 4 months of 2010

Patience is a virtue...

All good things come to he who waits...

I have never been patient. Waiting is not a virture I posses. my pregnancy, although very easy and by alrights enjoyable, was torture. Because for the first time in my life really I HAD to wait for something.

There was no "peeking" (although the ultrasound was helpful)and I did not want the surprise to come early!

Thank God penny was right on time (2 weeks early actually) because i do belive if she had been even a day late...i would have been a mess.

But know i have to keep reminding myself to be patient.

I went out on a limb and started a small tutu making buisness.

It has been less than a week since I started.

So far it just by word of mouth and and through a facebook fan page.

I am grateful to have friends who have been sharing the page and I am hoping that eventually It will all work out.

Once things get going i may open an Etsy shop but that is a plan for later.

For right now I am just crossing my fingers and hoping things start up soon :)

Update (now with pictures!!)

Gah so much for keeping up to date. But in my defense it has been busy busy busy around here.

Let's start with the walk.

My cousin's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago and we decided to show our support by going out to the Making Strides event in downtown...

Penny and I were a little late but the weather was beautiful and the walk was great!






Then there was Halloween. Penny's first. She was a pink crayon. Momma got crafty and made the costume. I was pretty happy with how it came out all things considerd...




And now we are getting ready for time changes holidays birthdays etc...
Money os still tight but things are muuuuch better.

and as a side note penny and i went to a childrens book party the other night...and found the best book ever...ever!!!