The Mom's Bible...a book review!

As I type this review my one year old is despretly trying to help me. I think back over the past year and I have to admit...I am grateful for this book.

Mom's Bible is literlly a bible...but it has special devotionals for mom's

I am not a HUGE fan of the particular version but that has more to do with me liking the languge and being a fan of the king james version more than a critique of the book itself.

The devotionals are amazing insitful and a wonderful way to end my day.

The hardest thing

So I finally have started mourning my latest loss. It's hard. Part of it is so hard because the reality of my situation is I am fiunally in a good place with PPD. I feel safe.

The thought of having my toddler and a new baby and possibly having to deal with PPD all over again...it's terrifying.

BUT that being said...

I realize that through the healing process...I ahve become stronger. I think of all of the time lost. and I mourn that to.

I know if I do have another I am surrounded by love and people who will absolutly see me through. I wount be scared or embarressed to speak up.

I will be able to ask for help.

So with that being said I think i am in a place where I can whole heartedly say I want more kiddos. and I feel ready.

Being a native floridian...IT HAS IT'S PERKS.

I am finally ready to say it. after 28 years of complaining about living in florida because of the tourist the weather the lack of mountains...I'm saying it.

I love florida.

I love being able to walk over to sea world whenever I want (well during operatiing hours that is)

I love the beach.

I love the weather (except in august september and october...those months still suck weather wise)

When I was younger I hated living in florida...HATED it! I was born here and by here I mean straight up central florida. 20 min away from disney. All of my frineds were from other places and had lived in states that snowed. but not me. I was 18 before I got to see snow.

I always imagined when i grew up moving away from the sunshine state.

Now I can't imagine living anywhere else.

I am a florida girl. Proud and sunburned :)

The Happiest I have ever been.

You know how most people have that one thing that makes them just melt with happiness.

maybe it's chocolate. Maybe it's reading. But it is something that just hearing the words makes you feel euphoric...

I know what you are all thinking...your thinking the basis of my pure happiness is this...


Yes i love my daughter a whole lot. Yes she makes me happy beyond reality...but no...this is not what sends my boddy into shock waves of bliss.

It's this...


sigh....

Did I ever tell you all how we met? No? Well what a story.

which for right now I am not going to tell because I keep getting distracted by the man meat!!!

I sometimes ask myself howin the world I got so lucky. On the rare occasion that I accidently say it outloud and in his presence...he usually just smiles and says..."I'm the Lucky one"

I keep telling him he doesn't have to work so hard to get in my pants...

She may look like him...

and according to everyone...she does. And I do mean everyone.

My parents his parents his co-workers,My friends, the office staff at the apartments...random strangers at sea world.

in fact since she was born I think I can recall only 2 people who said she looked like me.

my family even jokes that D just sat on an egg and hatched her and question if she is actually mine...

this used to annoy me to no end.

until that is 3 weeks ago.

Penny and I were at our MOPS meeting (which my aunt is also a member of) when my daughter first went running after a little boy (who turned and ran...in horror!) and then had a meltdown like her heart was broken when he spurnned her advances.

the other ladies laughed (causing her much distress because "OMG THIS IS SERIOUS!!"

My aunt wiping a tear from her eye and trying to control her laughter announced...

"see that ladies...that dramatic she gets from her mom."

now maybe to the outsider this would seem annoying and kinda slap in the face-ish BUT...

for me (and because I know my aunt) it was a complement...

She was saying.

my daughter...is just like me :)

What's new...

so how long has it been. I don't know.

I do know that it has been long enough that I need to update my readers (if they are in fact still reading )

I joined a mommy group. It's awsome! Penny gets to play with kiddos her own age and mommy gets a couple of hours to hang out with other mommies. I really wish i had done this earlier :)

3 weeks ago we found out i was pregnant. A week ago I had a misscarriage.
It isn't my first loss. I haven't grieved yet...I will. but just not yet.
D is doing great with his new job and just got a raise.

Penelope is walking talking and no longer a baby...kinda makes me sad...but in a happy way if that makes sense.

The wieght loss is still an ongoing battle but I am determined to be at a healthy weighy (i.e. 145 pounds) by the end of the year. i need to loose 1 pound a week which i feel is achievable. I want penny to have a good role modle in me and that means being healthy. I want david to have the beautiful healthy wife he deserves...and I am just so tired of being fat.

Lost...and found

I haven't written in so long. In part because I haven't had time. It seems like anymore the day seems to fly by and before I know it the sun is setting again and penny is getting ready for bed. after a year of mommyhood I still feel like I just don't have a grasp on it sometimes. I qustion my self and onstantly seek approval from others.

I am often jealous of D and penny's relationship. Her face lights up as soon as she see's him. It has been a while since that happend with me. she used to give me big smiles when I walked in her room in the morning but in the last 3 months that has stoped. Which made me sad.

D told me it was just beacuse I am with her all the time and he isn't. He assured me she loves me and is lost when I am not there.

I finally understood the other day when i attended my first MOPS group and had to drop penny off at the moppets group.

Granted i was only gone for 2 hours but as soon as she heard my voice and saw my face she gave me a huge smile and ran to the door with arms outstreatched. It felt wonderful.

I think every mom questions herself from time to time and my therapist says I am having normal natural feelings.

I just wish I didn't. I wish I could be one of those moms who knows what she is doing and has the perfect comeback every single time someone questions her choices. But I don't. It simply makes me question myself even further.