Run Cleavage RUN!!!

So I have lost 43 pounds since giving birth.

I know I know..I should be happy. I should not want to lose more...but I do.

The fact is...I am still out of shape and over weight.

So I have been looking for diffrent things to do.

My excersize dvds are now second nature and i use them to simply maintain my weight.

With D being out of work (although he got a job today! woot! but more on that later) I can't afford an excersize class or gym membership.

So I have decided after reading the updates on http://www.monkeybuttjunction.com/

that I want to do the couch 2 5k running program...

god help me.

But I know I can do this.

I want to be healthy. David desreves a hot sexy healthy wife. Penny deserves at healthy active mommy.

and I deserve to be able to look at myself nekkid and be happy :)

Love...

It's no secret that I am a "bumpie" I love the bump. I do have my home board with ladies that I have known and been bumping with since 1st tri. I even have a couple which I would consider personal friends.

I think eve without The bump I would be a great mom. But because of it and the ladies on it I feel the transition was easier.

My PPD was a struggle (and still is) and although I did not post about it reading the stories of my fellow bumpies struggaling with it was a huuuuge help.

and even small things..

cloth diapering homemade baby food and breastfeeding...these were all things I learned about and got help with through the bump.

And it's not to say that it's all puppies and rainbows all the time...because it isn't.

There is a board though that i lurk on (which I promise you is not as creepy as it sounds)

And on this board is a group of woman who's streangth and love astounds me.

One of the ladies just lost her beautiful child.

I have sufferd a loss.

I know the pain.

But I also know her pain...is exponentialy larger.

For me losing the monkeys at just under 3 months was horrible.

But to give birth and hold your child and then lose them...


The outpouring of love was amazing.


And even though she does not know me. My heart breaks.

and she and her family are in my thoughts and prayers.

You take the good you take the bad you mix them up and there you have...

The facts of life!

Ugh my blogs have been so depressing lately.
But things are so much better. i have a job interview and D has 2...all in the next three days.

You know I think the hardest part about this whole situation...

The reason for D feeling so depressed...

Was the lack of call backs.

It kinda makes you feel like something is wrong with you.

But we are both getting callbacks and it is just a matter of time till one of us gets a job.

In the meantime we are enjoying hockey season (Go Rangers!) a new season of Hell's Kitchen (YOU DONKEY!)
and watching penny change overnight...she stood on her own and took 2 wobbly half steps today.

Hope burns brighter

I am so sick and tired of crying, being worried, being scared.

I just want some hope...just a little bit.

Everynight my prayers are the same...

"Please god...help us. Please let david get a job. Or let me get a job. Please watch over and protect my family"

Today while D was sleeping the phone rang. It was his old manager.

And then there it was...

Hope.

Maybe a job. Maybe the thing that will help.

Help get us out of debt.

Help D stop being depressed.

Help us stop being worried about what we are going to do after the first of the month when the money is gone.

My prayers have changed.

"Thank you god for giving us this hope."

The breakdown.

In the past few weeks D has been slipping. He has good days (or as I call them days where he hids it well) and really horrible days.

But it's always there...just beneth the surface.

In the past few weeks he has gone from hopeful (as soon as I get a job things will be ok...we just may need to budget) to hopeless (Game over it's done! You guys are better off without me)

Yesterday he went to see a guy at ace hardware...a family friend.

He was told he would be the first hire. he guy was seriously impressed with his resume.

But they will not be hiring for 4 more weeks.

for d that is to long.

He became quietly depressed. Which is worse than before. before he was at least talking.

Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to be alone...should the baby and i go spend the night at my moms house...so we could be out of his hair.

he told me to do whatever i felt was right.

I decided to stay but to take the baby to my moms house. I though david and I just needed a night together...alone.

needless to say he broke down when I brought her in to say goodbye.

First he thought we were both leaving. Then he just cried. and then I cried. and then penny started crying.

So there we were. a family. struggaling. loving. and crying together.

After the tears stopped and we all calmed down He promised never to leave us. And I promised never to take the baby and leave him

...and penny said quack quack drooled a little bit and tried to pull out davids leg hair...

Which was (roughly translated) her way of saying...

and I will never leave either.


We are a family. We stick together. As long as we are all still together we will be ok.

I know it.

Looking up...

Things may be looking better. D has a possible job opportunity.

But no more over thinking and no more focusing on the negative.

Must.Remain.Posative.

must just think of this...

Is it worth it?

after last night (which was not good) I woke up early. even after being up late. My brain wouldn't allow me to sleep. I layed in bed curled around my sleeping husband. Just thinking.

I am not as weak as I thought I was.

Some things are worth fighting for.

my family is worth fighting for.

I won't give up.

I can't.

I refuse to sit by and let it happen.

That is my streangth.

I won't allow myself to belive that we wont always be together. That is giving up.

D said I needed to start accepting the fact that it would happen. To accept it now would be weak. would mean I had done everything and there was no hope.

There is always hope.

always.