Friday, February 25, 2011

What's new...

so how long has it been. I don't know.

I do know that it has been long enough that I need to update my readers (if they are in fact still reading )

I joined a mommy group. It's awsome! Penny gets to play with kiddos her own age and mommy gets a couple of hours to hang out with other mommies. I really wish i had done this earlier :)

3 weeks ago we found out i was pregnant. A week ago I had a misscarriage.
It isn't my first loss. I haven't grieved yet...I will. but just not yet.
D is doing great with his new job and just got a raise.

Penelope is walking talking and no longer a baby...kinda makes me sad...but in a happy way if that makes sense.

The wieght loss is still an ongoing battle but I am determined to be at a healthy weighy (i.e. 145 pounds) by the end of the year. i need to loose 1 pound a week which i feel is achievable. I want penny to have a good role modle in me and that means being healthy. I want david to have the beautiful healthy wife he deserves...and I am just so tired of being fat.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Lost...and found

I haven't written in so long. In part because I haven't had time. It seems like anymore the day seems to fly by and before I know it the sun is setting again and penny is getting ready for bed. after a year of mommyhood I still feel like I just don't have a grasp on it sometimes. I qustion my self and onstantly seek approval from others.

I am often jealous of D and penny's relationship. Her face lights up as soon as she see's him. It has been a while since that happend with me. she used to give me big smiles when I walked in her room in the morning but in the last 3 months that has stoped. Which made me sad.

D told me it was just beacuse I am with her all the time and he isn't. He assured me she loves me and is lost when I am not there.

I finally understood the other day when i attended my first MOPS group and had to drop penny off at the moppets group.

Granted i was only gone for 2 hours but as soon as she heard my voice and saw my face she gave me a huge smile and ran to the door with arms outstreatched. It felt wonderful.

I think every mom questions herself from time to time and my therapist says I am having normal natural feelings.

I just wish I didn't. I wish I could be one of those moms who knows what she is doing and has the perfect comeback every single time someone questions her choices. But I don't. It simply makes me question myself even further.