Thursday, July 29, 2010

How to explain...

July 29th. Today started normal. Penny woke up, I changed and feed her and we played together. She sat in the kitchen and watched me unload the dishwasher and make coffee. for 3 hours it was just the two of us (with D sleeping in the next room of course)

I laid her down for a nap grabbed my bible and did my devotional for the day. it was normal.

and then I looked at the calander...and saw the date.

This was the due date for the twins. They would have been 2.

Before D and I met I was in a bad place. I was seperated from my ex and I was despretly seeking love...even if it was just the physical and this very self destructive behavior led to me being pregnant with a set of twin boys. By someone who was not so nice.

I went from shock to deeply afraid to ridiculusly happy within a 3 day span. and on dec 25 of 2007...My heart was shatterd. I started bleeding. I spent christmas night at the emergancy room. One of the twins had already died. His heart had stopped. For 3 hours I waited with hope that my other baby would make it. I was devestated when he didn't.

I was not far along. And some people would question how sad I could be over a loss so soon.

But I was.

seeing the date today knowing if I had carried full term penny would have 2 older brothers was like having a bucket of ice water dumped on me. Who would they have looked like? What would they be like?

and when she is old enough how do I properly explain to penn about her brothers in heaven?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about them at least once.

Sometimes my thoughts are sad. Sometimes they are angry but lately they have been happy. I had them for such a small amount of time and I am now more or less focusing on the happyness we shared. The little flutters I could feel. The dreams.

And today my thoughts..."Happy birthday my sweet angels"

Monday, July 19, 2010

So long...

I haven't had anything to write about lately. Life is life. Penny is 6 months old now. D is looking for another job. He isn't in danger of losing his but he isn't happy. The physical demand of his job takes away from time spent with us on his days off because he is so draind. The stress of the job the stress of not knowing where we will be at in a year (i.e. will he be in the same job wll he have a new job etc..)

Is also weighing heavily on all of us.

Financially we are doing great. But is that enough. I miss my husband. Working the night shift he see's us for an hour in the morning on his work days. On his off days he has things he "needs" to get done.

I understand to a point. But i am the type of person who can say..."it can wait" in order to spend time with my family. This does not in any way make me a better parent or spouse than him of course...just diffrent.

in other news my cousin is getting married in august. Her bridal shower is on saturday. I enjoy her company and she is also a young mom. her daughter is 1 month older than penny. I wasn't planning on taking the baby with me but apparently...I am.

I never assume thats it's ok to bring her somewhere when I have been invited. But I wonder sometimes if people without kids realize just how not easy it is to "just get a sitter" or even if Im bringning her I have to make sure I have EVERYTHING I may possibly need and god help me if she has a shit nap schedual that day.

i never wanted to be that friend who doesn't stay in touch when she has a baby. i have had friends like that. And i was totally annoyed that they didn't just "get a sitter"

I know better now!!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Diapers...the contreversy!!

When I decided to switch to cloth diapers I didn't realize what a stir it would cause.

But I am happy to say a month into it we have had no leaks no blow outs no rashes and I will never go back!!

About 2 weeks ago i was changing penny (she was wet)and just before I snapped her clean diaper on...she screwed up her face and started to grunt. I know what that means.

she was about to poop (that's right...I said it...poop)

I had JUST statred to change her so I had 3 options

1)put the clean diaper on her and change it again in 5 min.

2)put the wet diaper back on her and let her finish (ewww)

3) run to the bathroom with my half nekkid baby and pray that she didn't go until I was holding her over the toilet.

I choose option 3.

We made it to the potty.

She actually grabbed the toilet seat and bared down.

I haven't changed a poopy diaper since. lol

and speaking of diapers. The last pack I bought (disposables) were the huggies jean diapers (I know I know)

But they were on sale and I was simply waiting for my clothies to arrive in the mail. I had a buch of prefolds I used the jean diapers as diaper covers.

for those of you who are unaware of the huggies jean diapers

we have one left...just one.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I hate losing weight...

Well to be more specific I hate that my clothes 9none of them) fit properly while Im losing weight and that when i am at my ideal weight i will have to get new clothing.

I also hate the obsession.

ok so here is a good example.

When I got married the first time I weighed ALMOST 300 pounds...and on a 5 foot 4 a white strapless wedding wasn't pretty. I looked horrible.

While on our honeymoon my ex's grandmother died and we had to go to her funeral. all of the family we had seen a week before at the wedding was there...with pictures.

I was mortified with how I looked. So I lost the weight. It took my 2 years to get to the weight i wanted.

Then I went through multiple losses and a just really bad marriage. I lost my job and moved back home with my mom.

Where i satyed well feed for 5 months...and then i moved in with david...where i stayed well feed...all the time.

The day I had penny i weighed a whopping 221 pounds. And I started off the pregnancy at 215 pounds.

I know weigh 175.

I still need to lose weight. At least another 25. i would love to make it 35 though.

*sigh* whenever i start talking weightloss...It alwasy makes me want to go eat a cupcake.

I hate losing weight!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010 fluffy butts and leg warmers

Why didn't I switch sooner?!?!

And yes i call them leg warmers...the dancer in me can call them nothing else! lol

Monday, July 5, 2010

Holidays, Family, Cloth Diapers...ohhh my!

I love the 4Th of July. It's my 4Th (ironic right!?!?) favorite holiday (Christmas,Thanksgiving and Halloween are the first three...we will talk about those later)

We went to D's parent's house this weekend. Going to the in-laws house is kind of like visiting the Corleone family from the godfather...with less clothing.

You see in D's family...if your a boy, teenage guy, grown man...wearing a shirt...just doesn't happen. Unless we are going out in public.

Him, his brother, the nephews, his dad...they were all topless the entire weekend.

And who can blame was a million degree's out and humid enough to were snorkel equipment to walk down the street.

But we had BBQ (reason #1 I love the 4Th) and attempted to go swimming. Unfortunately 2 min into everyone jumping in the started to thunder and lightning...damn.

As hot as it was penny was a slightly nekkid baby this weekend. But wearing her cloth diapers she looked adorable..of course.

My Sister-in-law was of course in attendance (I say of course but it was a surprise...yay...)

Now lets put this into perspective. The kiddos have not seen their mom since Christmas of last year. They were excited to see her. They wanted to play with her. she on the other hand was "tired" and just wanted to relax.

Scuse me sweetheart but you have not seen or held your children in 6 months...get off your lazy, self indulgent, ass and play with your kids.

And if that wasn't bad enough...she gave me (or tried) parenting advice.

The woman who upon finding out her ex had died said "oh do i have to take the kids or is someone else going to take them?"

Now frankly they are all better off where they are at. She is not the worst mother by any means but let's face it...she just doesn't want to be bothered with having kids.

any way the advice she (tried) gave me was as follows..

1)Is she teething? Just give her a raw frozen steak to chew on. (erm...raw meat doesn't seem like the most appropriate thing for a 5 month old to nom on)

2) You know when the kids were babies and they wouldn't get to sleep I would just smoke pot in there room while they played in would knock them right out. (?!!?!??!?!)

3) You should clean her mouth out with peroxide and rubbing alcohol when she gets kills the germs (my head almost exploded)

But the one thing she had the biggest opinion on was the cloth diapering. She pulled us aside and informed us that she was worried. She felt we were putting our child at risk because we had a natural birth center birth, I breast feed, and we cloth diaper. bout noooo.

She didn't explain why she felt this way but let us know that she didn't feel comfortable with us having her kids because of this and was planning on petitioning for full custody...

*sigh* I really hope she doesn't try because i don't want the kiddos dragged through this.

I don't know what to do. We don't want to lose the kids because we love them but we reallly don't want to lose them to her.

Anyway...Needless to say our 4Th of July this year...was kind of a bust. :(

p.s.this wasn't meant to be such a downer of a post...sorry about that!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Did I really lose a day?

No...I didn't loose a day. I lost 2. Thats right baby...@ whole stinking days!

I dislike when that happens. I rememeber them. I know Penny started sitting on her own one of the days and D went all crazy *you rowdy kids stop that skateboarding" on a couple of kids (actually he was pretty nice...but he looked crazy as they woke him up and when he went out to ask them to stop he was a bed headed and wearing pajama pants with little spaceships all over them...don't ask)

I know It was so hot this week that penny lived la vida loco and wore nothing but her diaper.

And I know that I got way to excited about the preview for season 2 of teen mom and jersey shore (I know trash t.v. lot's of adults like those shows though...don't hate!)

and that a new episode of Hell's Kitchen, America's got talent, and Dad camp all aired...

But so help me when I woke up this morning...I totally thought it was monday...


I need to start taking some ginko or something!!!