Thursday, February 23, 2012

And I'm feeling good...

I have a week till my first session with my counseler. I feel like I should be scared or something but Im not. Actually (and it pains me to admit this) I am...excited. I feel like the path to a better happier life for me and my family is close at hand. I feel great about our desision to stop trying and enjoy each other. There haven't been any "I'm Pregnant" announcements lately so I can't say how I would react to that but I feel confident that I am on my way to being able to deal with it. It feels great to be honest. The dark clouds and heacy weight on my shoulders feel less opressive. I am enjoying. penny more and not as quick to snap at her for things that are normal. We have gotten back into our routine during the day. It feels amazing.

Monday, February 20, 2012

The emotional impact of Wipeout.

we love that show...WIPEOUT. Last night though it triggerd an emotional breakdown. Two of the contestants (it was a couples show) Were referd to as the baby makers...they had like 5 kids. It was so glarring and in your face. And all it took was three bitter laced words to send D and I into a 3 hoour emotion ridden tear filled disscussion. D keeps his feelings close to home. He doesn't really care what other people think about the choices we have made as a family. And he trully does not understand why I let other people affect me emotionally. but everyone has a breaking point. And last night he reached his. I have spent the better part of the last year so focused on my feelings that I never gave a seond thought to his. I never thought about how it made him feel when I would cry about others getting pregnant when I wasn't. I never blamed isn't his fault. But i also never made it clear that I was just venting my frustrations either. I must felt good to get it all out. To cry. It was like a burden lifted from my heart and I felt lighter than ever :)

Friday, February 17, 2012

This is not going well....

I need counseling. There I said it. It's out there now. No going back. I can't even pinpoint what is wrong. I just know it's something. I feel...wrong. Off Anxious. D is having a high stress time at work. I can't help it. I don't like that. I really wish there was something I could do. I think it's a control thing. I also am struggaling with the trying to concieve issue. I am terrified this will set me back. In my mind every time I get my period or someone announces there pregnancy I hear the soup nazi (a la seinfeild) screamign NO BABY FOR YOU!!! So yeah...counceling. I have 1 week till my first session. I just need to make it a week. Just a week. just a week.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I'm not...

3 negative pregnancy test and day one of a period that is 5 days late...and ute is still unoccupied. I have been keeping busy. and for the past few months I have been extremly ambivilent about it. the holidays and our choice noot to focus on trying to concive helped. but now...the dissapointment if free flowing. and it doesn't help that every week someone os announcign their pregnancy. Or having a baby.

Monday, February 13, 2012

2 test one activity "down there" though...

So today is baby testing day. I broke down and took a pg test last night...big fat negative. But I wasn't bummed. The logical side of my brain reminded me that A)It was not test day thereore this was just a "practice test" and B)first mrning pee is best....being full of HCG and what not. I also reminded my self that I have not had a single symptom...pregnancy or PMS. Not one. I ovulated late probablly. I will admit i have been lazy with charting since november. We decided not too focus on trying to concive during the holidays. Although finding out that three cusins are pregnant each month since then has been hard after this weekend and the relaxign holiday and all I wasnt nearly as sad as I have been. talk to me next month though. or when they have their babies. If my ute is unoccupied then yeah...the saddness will return. I know that people who read this and don't know me will just see a woman who already has a beautiful healthy little girl. They will wonder why I am feeling sad when others struggle for just one. there is no easy answer. one persons pain and struggle is not indicitive of everyones pain and struggle. Concieving our daughter and carrying her so easily made me think a second child would be jsut as easy. Now i am not so sure. Im doubting my self. I go through feelings of betrayl buy my body. wondering whatb the heck is wrong with me. *sigh* will wait another week to test. I feel a week is good. I will either get a visit from "Aunt Flow" or a posotive pregnancy test. either way I'll know.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Wow God...aren't you the comedian....

3 cousins pregnant. One with twins. and my ute is still empty. This is the thought going through my head for the past 3 weeks. A saddness lingering in my heart. Then something happend to turn it all around. Penny went to my parents house for the weekend and D and I had an amazing time. We went out to eat and had a wonderful meal. There was a toddler at the table behind us that was squeeling with glee and then would change it up to shreiks of NO! the other patrons were shooting angry looks at the parents. D and I just smiled. We have been there. We then went to the mall. D got a really nice new leather jacket. he has never had one. It was more expensive than any peice of clothing he has ever owned let alone actually bought or himself. But he loves it.And he deserves it. I got a Niice new pair of running shoes. We also went in the disney store and looking around at all the toys and dress up clothes...we wanted to get something for Penny. We didn't though. We decided to bring her with us oone weekend and let her pick something out on her own. But we had a wonderful amazing weekend...alone. And I realized that if we have another baby we might not get that again for a while. So in short last night I made peice with not being pregnant yet. This morning when I was getting my coffe I realized that "Aunt Flow" was supposed to show up on friday or saturday. hmmm. We will see how this plays out.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The one about potty training.

Penny is two now...TWO! Holy Shit! We decided a long time ago that 2 was the magic age... By two our goals were (in no specific order) no more passie no more bottles Start potty training (finished by 3) Yeah lofty goals lol. Luckiky for us the bottles were done at 15 months. Not because we were yankng them from her little hands but because once we introduced a sippy cup...she had eyes only for those. Even her night bottle was just given up. and the passie...yeah that was gone as soon as she found her thunb. *sigh* not sure what in the heck we will do about the thumb or when. Potty trainiing yeah that started about 4 months ago. She started taking her diaper off and ponting to the bathroom. That was our cue right!?!? She did great. We even had her in panties at lasted 4 weeks. 4 weeks of patting myself on the back and wakling ariund with my "I'm an AWSOEME MOM and my chikd is superior!" face. Annnd then it stopped. rewards pfffttt. she could care less. Walking around nakky with a potty seat within easy accsess? yeah didnt matter. S we were back to diapers... Well she is two now. And when we originally decided to start PT. So here we go. We are doing the Week at home...thing. no more buyign diapers. Her last pack was bought this week. Im scared it wont work. and im scared it will. the diapers were the last of the "baby" things. my little girl is just that...a little girl. not a baby anymore.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Three Cups_A book review~!

I know I know...2 in one day!!
Three Cups By Toney Townsley and Mark St. Germain. Illustrations by April Willey Give, Save, And Spend. On his 5 birthday a young boy gets a gift of a lifetime. The gift of adventure. The gift of love. Beautifully illustrated and well written this book helps both parents and children understand the importance of saving, giving and spending wisely. Although reluctant at first the gift proves a wonderful lesson throughout his life. Complete with a parent’s guide on how to teach this lesson to our own little ones I have to be honest here...I am terrible when it comes to money…HORRIBLE. My husband is the total opposite thank goodness. BUT I don’t want my daughter to struggle with money management. And while she is still a little young for this book at two years old I can use it to help set up a good foundation for learning about money. I love the parents’ guide and I love that it specifically includes a giving cup. Even if we were not religious I would still want her raised knowing she should give back. I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Book Review Sunday!!!

hello and HAPPY NEW YEAR my faithful readers! As you can see today is book review day! Now I am really excited about this review for two reasons. 1) this bok was a great read and I had a lot of fun writing a review for it. And 2) This willbe the last of the books I have to waight for. Yes people...this christmas...I got...A KINDLE!!!! so...on With the review... Real Marriage The truth about sex, friendship, and life together By Mark and Grace Driscole Have you ever felt alone sitting next to your spouse? Do you have questions about sex in your marriage that you are embarrassed to ask? How do you begin the process of healing in your relationship? All of these questions are addressed in Real Marriage. Co-Written by husband and wife, Mark and Grace Driscole this book is a very helpful tool in marriage. Questions “like is oral sex ok?” are not just answered but actually explained and biblical references are given. Fidelity, Friendship, and ways to help solve conflicts in your marriage in an open and loving way with real life examples are given. I think it’s pretty clear that reading this book was great! I am very happy in my marriage and I originally ordered the book for one reason…the sex questions (yes I know…that’s bad) I was not disappointed by the answers and was very happy with the way the layout of the book was. Giving the question and then answering it in three parts…from a legal moral and biblical standpoint. But you know what was even better? The rest of the book, the openness and honesty of the Authors. The Scripture references, the resources. I still am in love with my hubby and I still feel we have a great marriage but now I feel we have the tools to make it that much better! I would defiantly recommend this (and will in fact be using it as a giveaway at my mommy group) Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”