Thursday, December 29, 2011

her it comes...there it goes...

in exactly two weeks (and I do mean exactly down to the minute) I will have a two year old. *sigh* not sure yet how I feel about it. I am loving the stage she is in right now. she tells me things in her sweet little baby babble voice and more and more the babble is being replaced by words and sentences. I know I will miss this. sitting on my lap and reading me a story (with the book upside down because that is how smart my child is) and while when I read her the pokey little puppy it's about a well pokey little puppy...when she reads it...the little puppy isn't so much pokey...but a master of destruction (or at least I think thats the message she is trying to convey) When she is tryinig to help me sweep the kitchen or helping me cook dinner. I think back to last year. When she had soft downy short baby hair. Before she started even walking. when her words werre mama and dada and before her teeth all came in. and I miss that to. watching her learn everything. seeing things through her...a bird was something amazing the ducks were strange awsome alien creatures. and then I think of two years ago. her peachy soft new baby skin. her downy infant hair. the new baby smell. How warm she was when the midwife put her on my chest. the first moment we looked into each others eyes. how much I loved her. cuddling in bed just me and baby and D. a quiet happy family. I really really miss that. parenting hasn't all been puppies and rainbows but I choose to follow the sun and not the storm clouds.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

What would jesus do?

I wish I had a super awsome close relationship with my sisters. My little sis and I have that. she is great. My older like a sea of will get stung. I wish I could just tell her to stop being a biotch...but I can't. When we were younger I was hateful. I know that. I have spent the better part of the last ten years trying to make up for it. I have apologized over and over again. I have worked to make a good relatinship between us. and just when I feel like progress is being made. *BAM* it is the classic case of 2 steps forward and 10 steps back, although in our case it's more like a mile and a half back. I want to be the adult and just let it go. pretend everythign is fine. but how do you do that when the other person wont. Is it even worth trying to keep the relationshp going? I want her to have a relationship with penny but I am no longer comfortable with her negative attitude or her lack of respecct for anyone in our family. Am i a bad mom if I wnat too cut her off from my kid? Should I suck it up? Should i give her ground rules and tell her if she breaks them this is the consoquence? ghah~!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Staying busy and being thankful.

I love december. Christmas is absolutly my favorite holiday. But about 4 years ago...I hated it. 3 years ago I cried almost the whole day. 2 years ago my heart was heavy...but also light....and last year...was wthout a doubt my favorite christmas yet. You see four years ago...I was pregnant. Single. Lost. Broke. I had gotten pregnent by searching for "love" the only way I could think of. with sex. I had been so beaten down and made to feel so worthless by the big EX that I just didn't think that a guy wuld really love me if he got to know me. And why would he even want to take the time t get to know me anyway? I was no angelina jolie I'll tell ya that. and then all of a sudden I was pregnant. Not with one but with TWO babies. At first I thought that maybe their father would be the guy to love me. but alas...he wasn't. And I was getting used to the thought of being a single mom and having to put up with this tool for the rest of my life. I had settled into the feelings of head over heals love for my little ones. Then on christmas morning...things started to hurt. Just a slight ramp at first...and then light spotting. by dinner time I was not able to pretend any longer. Something was wrong. My parents and little sister had left that afternoon to go visit my grandfather and i stupidly had not said anythiing. I was alone in this. When they told me there was only one heart started to break. I laid awake all night will they mniterd me asking for God to PLEASE keep my other baby safe. by the next morning it was over. they were both gone. The next christmas I was with D. He proposed to me n chistmas night. And while I was so in love and beyond babies were still on my mind. I hide in the bathroom throut the day to cry for them. And the christmas affter that...well was 8 months pregnant. feeling my little girl move around and knowing I was going to be holding her soon was so exiting but in the back of my head my lost little ones were NEVER that far away. every quick little mvement. Every tumble every hiccup I felt...I cherished. And well...Last christmas...I had and almost oone year old. Watching her open her gifts and squeal with delight at her new toys and clthes (yes clothes...she LOVES clothes!) was amazing! And this yeart will be even better! (beccause this year D has a job!) BUT my angel babies,,,are still there. in the ornament that D got for me to remember them with on our tree. on my original due date. on the night of my miscarriage and when ever I hear my daughter laugh. I know they are with me in my heart. but the thing heart doesn't hurt that much anymore.