Thursday, December 29, 2011

her it comes...there it goes...

in exactly two weeks (and I do mean exactly down to the minute) I will have a two year old. *sigh* not sure yet how I feel about it. I am loving the stage she is in right now. she tells me things in her sweet little baby babble voice and more and more the babble is being replaced by words and sentences. I know I will miss this. sitting on my lap and reading me a story (with the book upside down because that is how smart my child is) and while when I read her the pokey little puppy it's about a well pokey little puppy...when she reads it...the little puppy isn't so much pokey...but a master of destruction (or at least I think thats the message she is trying to convey) When she is tryinig to help me sweep the kitchen or helping me cook dinner. I think back to last year. When she had soft downy short baby hair. Before she started even walking. when her words werre mama and dada and before her teeth all came in. and I miss that to. watching her learn everything. seeing things through her...a bird was something amazing the ducks were strange awsome alien creatures. and then I think of two years ago. her peachy soft new baby skin. her downy infant hair. the new baby smell. How warm she was when the midwife put her on my chest. the first moment we looked into each others eyes. how much I loved her. cuddling in bed just me and baby and D. a quiet happy family. I really really miss that. parenting hasn't all been puppies and rainbows but I choose to follow the sun and not the storm clouds.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

What would jesus do?

I wish I had a super awsome close relationship with my sisters. My little sis and I have that. she is great. My older like a sea of will get stung. I wish I could just tell her to stop being a biotch...but I can't. When we were younger I was hateful. I know that. I have spent the better part of the last ten years trying to make up for it. I have apologized over and over again. I have worked to make a good relatinship between us. and just when I feel like progress is being made. *BAM* it is the classic case of 2 steps forward and 10 steps back, although in our case it's more like a mile and a half back. I want to be the adult and just let it go. pretend everythign is fine. but how do you do that when the other person wont. Is it even worth trying to keep the relationshp going? I want her to have a relationship with penny but I am no longer comfortable with her negative attitude or her lack of respecct for anyone in our family. Am i a bad mom if I wnat too cut her off from my kid? Should I suck it up? Should i give her ground rules and tell her if she breaks them this is the consoquence? ghah~!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Staying busy and being thankful.

I love december. Christmas is absolutly my favorite holiday. But about 4 years ago...I hated it. 3 years ago I cried almost the whole day. 2 years ago my heart was heavy...but also light....and last year...was wthout a doubt my favorite christmas yet. You see four years ago...I was pregnant. Single. Lost. Broke. I had gotten pregnent by searching for "love" the only way I could think of. with sex. I had been so beaten down and made to feel so worthless by the big EX that I just didn't think that a guy wuld really love me if he got to know me. And why would he even want to take the time t get to know me anyway? I was no angelina jolie I'll tell ya that. and then all of a sudden I was pregnant. Not with one but with TWO babies. At first I thought that maybe their father would be the guy to love me. but alas...he wasn't. And I was getting used to the thought of being a single mom and having to put up with this tool for the rest of my life. I had settled into the feelings of head over heals love for my little ones. Then on christmas morning...things started to hurt. Just a slight ramp at first...and then light spotting. by dinner time I was not able to pretend any longer. Something was wrong. My parents and little sister had left that afternoon to go visit my grandfather and i stupidly had not said anythiing. I was alone in this. When they told me there was only one heart started to break. I laid awake all night will they mniterd me asking for God to PLEASE keep my other baby safe. by the next morning it was over. they were both gone. The next christmas I was with D. He proposed to me n chistmas night. And while I was so in love and beyond babies were still on my mind. I hide in the bathroom throut the day to cry for them. And the christmas affter that...well was 8 months pregnant. feeling my little girl move around and knowing I was going to be holding her soon was so exiting but in the back of my head my lost little ones were NEVER that far away. every quick little mvement. Every tumble every hiccup I felt...I cherished. And well...Last christmas...I had and almost oone year old. Watching her open her gifts and squeal with delight at her new toys and clthes (yes clothes...she LOVES clothes!) was amazing! And this yeart will be even better! (beccause this year D has a job!) BUT my angel babies,,,are still there. in the ornament that D got for me to remember them with on our tree. on my original due date. on the night of my miscarriage and when ever I hear my daughter laugh. I know they are with me in my heart. but the thing heart doesn't hurt that much anymore.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


We did it...we survived halloween and it's looking like thanksgiving will aslo be a drama free zone! Penny (lucky girl) got to trick or treat not once...not twice...but three times! we are still hiding the's my family tradition...the candy gets chucked the day after thanksgiving...along with packing up the thanksgiving decor...becaus the day after thanksgiving...We can start listening to christmas music...and putting up the decor...Woooo-hooo! and this year...I am ahead of the freaking game! all presents are bought (we have a few more for penny) the cards are all filled out and ready to be sent...I am stoked! this time last year david was out of work...and we were struggaliing not just finanically but as a family we were struggaling emotionally as well. we didint know what was goign to happen and last daughters first christmas...was bought by my mom..and through amazing donations. It sucked for me and D as parents. But this year...OH SO DIFFRENT! And I can't wait! Can't wait to bake cookies with penny. to wrap the gifts to turn on the radio the day after thanksgiving and hear the christmas mucic! now...if the weather would just freakng co-apperate! dear florida...COOL DOWN PLEASE!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Shiny Sinks

Hello, My Name is michelle and I live in chaos. We live in a 1000 square foot 2 bedroom apartment. I love our home. I hate cleaning. at the end of the night I am so overwhelmed by getting dinner ready, bath time, bedtime blah blah blah... that I will walk by the kitchen...look in and know...I should just clean up. 4 out of 7 days a week I do. but it is like pulling teeth. So when my Friend J.Coll from monkey butt junction posted about The Flylady and shiny sinks I imedietly looked into it. Getting orginized...decluttering...not being overwhelmed...SIGN ME UP! And step 1 Shining up your sink. It took me an hour and a half and I'll be made a diffrence. last night after ma petite was all tucked in I walked by the kitchen and saw 6 dishes sitting in the sink (two plates two cups 2 forks) and the memory of my gorgeous shiney sink had me attacking and cleaning up the kitchen.... it took 5 miin. I woke up to a clean shiney sink I love it.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's official...

Holiday season 2011 has started! Happy Halloween! I remember when I was little we had 1 halloween...just one. penny trick or treated 3 times and had 3 diffrent costume (in our defense she really only had 1...the other two just become costumes over time lol)
At sea worlds spooktacular
Wiley Kit for the trunk or treat...
and a dancing skeleton for neighborhood trick or treating :) So now we say good-by to halloween and hello to thanksgiving!!!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Leave and Cleave baby!!!!!!!!!!!

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24 The above verse is actually only the irst of four times the phrase Leave and Cleave is used in the bible referring to marriage. And i hate this verse. Well..I used to at least. I though it ment saying sianorga to your family as soon as you said I do. which with my first what i did. HATED IT! but now...with my second marriage approching it's 2 year wedding anniversary (side first marriage made it to two years...but no further) I actually really love this verse...and I now understand it. husbands and wives should cleave to one another Frankly I have had a hard time adjusting to this concept with marriage number two though. after losing my family for almost 5 years...I was not ready at all to lose them again. and this verse isn't saying that. It's simply stating the obvious. When you get married...your your family. you have to become one with him. yes it's about sex but it's also about the emotional and spiritual asspect of the relationship as well. This weekend we had a fight. it was partially about my spending habits (which are bad yall) but the undertone was i was so focused on makign sure evryone on my family was happy and got fair treatment and time with penny that i had put D.'s needs and time with us on the back burner (this happens every year around this time...the holidays..ugh!) I must stop this...seriously! lol on a side note...this time last year...d was at a temp job but we were still scared and unsure of what was going to happen. thanks to his amazing budgeting and money managment though...we never were late on a single bill and even though it has taken over a year...we are almost debt free with our credit cards...6 more months aand they will be paid off completely...WheW!!!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Weight loss update

Well here we are. Finished with week 4 of couch to 5k. I can run 5 min (1/2) mile without quiting. I wont lie and say it's easy but it is easier than it was 4 weeks ago. 4 weeks ago I struggled runnng for 30 seconds. And something has changed in me. I want to run. I feel guilty quiting and always re-do the run if i don't feel good about it. do i LOVE to run? no. but i do like it :) My current weight is 183.6 Which is a pound less than last week. my weight loss is slowing down but I feel more encouraged this time around. Having people to watch penny while I run or workout with my little sis...not trying to run with a stroller and a million other things...yeah it helps. Having access to a gym and proper equipment and instruction...big huge motivatoer! seeing an end in sight for the weight loss. Fantastic! I am getting imp[atiant about hiitting the 10 pound weight loss point but I have three more pounds (well 4 to make it official) to go. I see the light at the end of the tunnel! as far as my BMI iindex goes (which is something I havent posted about yet) it is at 31.48. Whiich is classified as Obesity BMI between 30 and 40 is classified as obesity actually. Which means I have 1.48 points to go before I am out of the obesity range and into the overweight range. Which is a big deal!!! I am happy and feel great!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Book Review thursday! heaven is for real for kids

Heaven is for real For Kids As told by Colton Burpo to his parents Todd & Sonja Burpo Illustrated by Wilson Ong When Colton Burpo was three years old he became very sick and had to go to the hospital. While there he took a journey to heaven and back. Told through the eyes of a young child and illustrated with his direction Colton tells the story of his trip to heaven and all of the wonderful things he saw and the people he spoke to. A beautifully written and illustrated book it also includes scriptures on each p[age that validate things he says he witnessed while in heaven. From seeing his grandfather and sister neither one of which he ever met to the description of the fiery sword and the Throne of God it’s hard to imagine that a three year old was making this up. This is a great book to use to help younger kids understand the concept of heaven as well as making death maybe not so scary. I read it to my two year old who loved the pictures but I do think this book would be better for the 4-6 year old crowd. As far as recommending this book I absolutely do. BUT before you read it to your kids I would suggest reading through it first so that when they have questions (and they will) you can be prepared to give a well thought out answer. This book would also be good to use during a family bible time. Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

fatty mcfat butt tuesday

yea yeah I know...Im a slacker. So the bad news is that I gained two pounds which I was annticipating. What with me being on my period last week (water retenton and bloat) and the potayo chips I consumed to ease my cramps (don't hate...they work!) but the good news...I am still on target with my weight loss. Seeing the goal in the end and knowing I gave mysel a full year to acheive it makes a huge diffrence. and the awsome...I can run for a full 5 minutes straight now... :O

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

50 Things every young lady should know a review.

50 Things every young lady should know BY kay west I love this book…LOVE it! I have a daughter and I am so glad someone wrote a book like this for girls. It’s not about being a southern belle or a weakling. It’s about being polite. Always saying please and thank you. The message that this book gets across is that manners matter and words can hurt. It teachers young girls how to behave and act like a strong young lady in all situations. I will most defiantly be recommending this book to my friends and family and cannot wait to read through it again with my daughter and to teach her the values ad lessons this books holds when she is older. Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

How much stuff does one kiddo need?!?!!?

And I mean toys at christmas? With three sats of grandparents and 3 aunts and an array of cousins and great grandparents and greta aunts and uncles it is safe to say she has a great christmas. But I wish I could spend 200 dollars on toys for her...the thiing is...she doesn't need that many toys. and having a birthday 2 weeks after christmas...yeah...she gets enough. So my new mantra is she doesn't need it and only wants it when she see's it...and in the end...if she never see's it...she doesn't know ahe wants it.... yeah right... because this doll is beyond cute

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Fat ass thursday

Well My 182.4 which means in one week...I only lost .2 pounds. And you know what...thats ok. I haven't gone to the gym in over a week and I have only run once since friday. I have been pigging out because my period is due and also have been retaining water...I was expecting to have gained weight. Now about the running. I am on week three of my running program two repetitions of the following •Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds) •Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds) •Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes) •Walk 400 yards (or three minutes I did day one on tuesday... and yall... I ran for the full three minutes. the 90 second run wasn't used to it...but I would be lying if I said the three minuet run seemed dawnting when I first started...and i did it. and in a weird running the full three made me want to finish this program that much more.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Book Review wendsday!

Thank you God, for loving me By Max Lucado Illustrations by Frank Endersby “Little Hermie kneels to pray, Beneath an autumn tree. He bows his head and says, Thank you God for loving me.” And it’s with those words that this beautifully illustrated board book comes to life. Written for toddlers and young children it helps teach the message that no matter what you do, God is watching over you and loves you. Obviously the question of recommending this book is a no brainier. Everyone I know will get a recommendation (and maybe even a copy!) Once again Max Lucado brings us the adorable hermie the caterpillar who shows young children in the simplest terms god’s unending love. The beautiful Illustrations make it easy to visually fall in love with the book and the clear simple message makes this one of those special keepsake books or life. Also being a board book it can be “read” by little hands without being broken. There really is nothing negative I can say about hermie. Again…just an all-around wonderful children’s book. : I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Sunday Sunday!

I love and in the same breath...hate sundays. I love them for the fact that we have started doing sundae sundays! And I am loveing the weather begining to cool down. But I hate that it is the end of the weekend with hubby. Penny misses her dad. I miss my husband. I so wish we were independently wealthy or he worked from home. But I am told that absence makes the heart grow fonder. The weather is getting cooler. and running is getting easier. I almost died running in the 95+ degree heat but I am proud of myself for continuing the program. My weight loss is goiing ok...not as fast as i want it to but it's going. I gave myself a year to lose the weight and i feel good so far. I am ahead of my weightloss so when i platue it won't be as bad hopefully. i am thinking of running an extra day a week though. with the Holidays oming up we decided to throw up the decor for Halloween. It's strange to think how quickly this year has flown by and the changes in our life. This time last year d was un employed and we were in a bad place. But things are better now. He loves his job and we (because of somme great financial planning) never got behind on our bills. And we are back in shape...almost. Things are starting to come up again like expanding our family getting a house and getting a dog. adult things. things that are scarey and also exciting.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Book Review Tuesday!! Thank you God for Blessing me.

Thank you God for Blessing me
By Max Lucado
illustrations by Frank Endersby

Once again Max Lucado has made a beautiful story for my little one. In addition to being a hard cover sturdy book (to keep it together after many many readings) The story (about the cutest baby caterpillar EVER!) is perfect for little eyes and ears to understand. Set throughout a day in little Hermie’s life he goes through his day thanking god for all his blessings rom the small to the large. Teaching little ones that nothing is too small to be thankful for.

I love any book that teaches about being thankful for life’s blessings. In an age where my daughter is being hit with images of greed and “I want” I am happy to give her books that teach about being thankful and about life’s little blessings.
This book is defiantly more age appropriate for my two year old than the previous hermie book which was in fact a level two reader (not that it mattered to her! Ha-ha)
I love the beautiful pictures and feel it defiantly speaks more to younger children making the lesson easier to understand. The message was spot on about valuing everything in your life and giving God the glory.
I not only will recommend this book I plan on buying it for a couple of my mommy friends who have kids the same age as my daughter. We also will be using this as our Thanksgiving book for November in my mommy and me reading group!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Fat ass thursday

So here we go. 1 week later and I have fiinished week one of couch to 5k. gone to the gym and watched my diet. I don't sit to do stuff anymore and am happy wiith the energy I have. So it was with trepidation that jumped on the scale. I mean what if I did all that work and had no weight loss...or even worse gained weight!

last week i was an even 190...


now I know that is a huge HUGE weght dip and I also know I wont be losing that much weight every week (and if i do my scale is broken or something is really really wrong!)

but it was great to see a change. and to feel the change. I am renewed and can see my self next year in a two peice (streatch marks be damed!)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Book review tuesday!! Night Night Blessings!

Night Night Blessings

By Amy parker

Illustrations by

Marjijam Ramljak

“Thank you God for the many ways, you sprinkle my days with love”
A very sweet heartwarming board for b=night time reading teaching your little one an=bout love and blessings at the end of the day. The beautiful illustrations keep my daughters attention while also calming her. The lovey poetry creates a warm story to help little ones wind down at the end of the day.

Can I tell you how much i love this book. Because it's a board book I can let my little one sit and read it and not worry about torn pages

My daughter loves this book and in the less than 24 hours that we have had it she has read it and had it read to her multiple times. She loves the way my voice sounds when reading the lyrical poetry and try’s to mimic it. The pictures are captivating to her and she loves pointing out different things in the book (like pancakes).

I would defiantly recommend this book to any and all of my mommy friends!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Disney...the more it changes the more it stays the same.

There was a time that when it came to adventureland and lberty square at magic kingdom...I didn't wait in line. I knew everyone. and as a matter of fact... knew people in other lands as well.

So going to disney yesterday with the family it was weird not knowing all. not evn a little bit.

But in a way I got to see disney as a guest. a really true no special treatment guest. my daughter met characters and got autographs. We ate bad disney junk food and watched the parade. My daughter loved it. We had a blast.

And you know what I think I had more fun playing at the park with the kiddo and the hubby not as a cast member but as a mommy and a wife.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Operation one

I am so tired of being fat. I have never just been happy with my looks or my weight...ever.

but i decided to stop bitching and get uop and do somthing about it. So I will start

Sept. 16th 2011 friday
weight: 190 *sigh* I was down to 175 after I gave birth...oh how the mighty have fallen.

Couch to 5k program day 1. brisk 5 mn walk then jog for 30 seconds and walk for 90 seconds (alternating) for 20 min then a 5 min cooldown walk.

I hate running...HATE IT!

but this will get me in shape and i will so help me stay motivated. later I will do some yoga (maybe an hour before bed)

I am hoping to lose a good 40-50 pounds by next year

My BMI is 32.26 and it needs to be 23.26

I am not giving up TTC but i am putting it on hold for now. I want to be healthy and in a better place with my weight with my next little one :)

so my readers three days a week I will be running. If you are a facebook friend you will see the three weekley updates. but for here I will be updating once a week (which I will call FAT BE GONE FRIDAY!) on my progress (or lack there of!)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Disney Disney Disney!!

So when penny was about 2 months old we went to The studios and Epcot. And she did great and we had a blast.

and we haven't been back since. sea world trips are a weekly occurance but disney...yeah not so much.

this was our last disney trip.

To say Im excited about this trip...yeah...because now she is walking and talkign (and running and climbing) I hope she has a great time (I know she will have a great time) I hope the parks are not paked and that she gets to at least meet a princess or two :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Book review Hermi!

Hermie a common Caterpillar
By Max Lucado

Ok so this will be a little different as far as book reviews go, because this is a kid’s book. So with that being sad let’s start with the fact that this is also a Max Lucado kid’s book. Can I just say…I love you Max.

Now as far as the good bad and ugly of the review as a parent I loved this book. The beautiful pictures and the lessons it teaches. I also love the time this book allows me to share with my beautiful daughter who is in fact growing up more and more every time I blink. I cherish books for this very reason. And Hermie is one of those special books that get passed down. Someday in the future my baby girl could be rocking her sweet little one to sleep and reading this book as a bedtime story.

Now I do think it is only fair as this is a children’s book to give the opinion of a child. My almost two year old…loved it. She fell asleep with it in fact and within a day of receiving this (and about two hundred readings later) even points to the book and says in a very sweet voice…”hermie!”

I have no bad things to say nor do I have any criticism…just a wonderful kid’s book!

Now I will point out that this is a level two reader but in easy to read format. My (almost) 2 year old loves it but it might be better for older kids :)

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

In 4-6 weeks my mailbox will be kicken! happend. I have joined...the freebie/coupon craze.

and I am so not even sorry.

It all started with listia. Ahhh listia you amazing free auction site. because of you my christmas shpping is done...and i spent...wait for it...10 dollars. thats right. Every one's gifts...and I spent...ten bucks. I have some really nice new ooks for the penny from book sneeze (one is in the mail and the other two will be coming out later this month.

And a free veggie tales DVD...WOOT!

the freebies i have signed up for..oHHHH MY GAWD!

like I 4-6 mailbox will be going crazy!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Children's Expo 2011

Penny and I went to the Children's expo today and had a blast. Free stuff and coupons and candy and FREE STUFF and ace painting and magic shows and oh...did I tell...FREE STUFF!

My one down fall...I did not bring her stroller...oh yeah...super mom...right here *points to self*

but you know what...It didin't matter. Penny was great and walked around nicely holding my hand or carrying the bag.

I love this kinda stuff (even though lets face throw away about 40-50 percent off stuff you get that night lol)

but it was a great new experience for penny. She did really really well and frankly was a trooper. We didn't stay as long as I would have liked and did miss a few of the stands I really wanted to go to BUT the main reason I wanted to go..was to get her fitted...for a free bike helmet! and we got that!

Awww how cute! so mission accomplished!

Friday, September 9, 2011

I love MOPS!

The 2nd and 4th friday every month...are my favorite days. Because that is when I go to MOPS and penny goes to MOPPETS.

I love being with a group of woman who are diffrent and yet the same. I love the food and friendship and fellowship...and I love having about 3 hours without penny and knowing that she is well taken care of.

I love my mommy time. Every mommy needs mommy time. and we need mommy friends. and I will be so sad the day my munchkin is not a preschooler and I have to move on.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Stained Glass Hearts Seeing Life from a Broken Perspective BOOK REVIEW TUESDAY!

OK so before we get started I just want my readers to know that from hear on out book reviews will be done on tuesday's only...

Stained Glass Hearts Seeing Life from a Broken Perspective

By Patsy Clairmont

Published by Thomas Nelson

Ok so this is a different type of book than I usually read. I like having devotional books in my library and will use them on a fairly regular bases. This is a devotional…of sorts. Yes it can be used for daily (or if you’re like me weekly devo.’s) but it is also a motivational, inspirational book. Looking at life through a different perspective is not always easy especially when you are going through dark hard times.

I love the mix of art and music with the biblical references in this book. I will admit I didn’t know what exactly to expect from this. I myself have gone through dark sad trying times (some of which were described in this book) Amazingly it helped me look and see what it was that God may have been doing and how I can let his light shine through me. When you’re sitting alone and wondering “God how is this in your plan…what is your plan?”

I loved the author’s wit and humor and certainly appreciated where she was coming from with her struggles.

All in all a good book which I have actually given to the leader of my MOPS group. It has been used as part of her testimony and was given out as a door prize at yesterday’s meeting

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Friday, September 2, 2011

At first I was all..ZOMG!...and then...

Yesterday was Sept 1st. all day it rained...which was ok. Penny and i had a nice rainy indoor day (except for about 30 min when we went swimming) We painted and played with shaving cream and made minestrone was a good day and penny was worn out by 8:30. which means by 9:00 I was relaxing in bed thinking about the fact that it is already september 1st and...wait...the 1st...but...I didn't start my lady days...and it's the first...and I always start on the 1st..except the times I was with child...but...wait...I haven't been's been busy...


and do i have a pregnancy test? i do not. but maybe thats a good thing...

So I updated my chart today and see that the "forcasted mensus" days are sunday and wait till tuesday...and then test..unless I am in fact not pregnant and then please God just let my period start...I don't wanty to spend 12 dollars on a pee stick just to use it and have aunt flow show up 3 hours later...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

mmmmmMinestrone soup...

I love my crockpot. for three reasons. Reason Number one...after about 4 home smells like a home. warm and loving and the air is filled with spices. Reason Number two...I can make three meals at one time. which means that I can cook all dnners or monday through friday in two sittings and that whendinner time rolls around during the week I am not battaling a toddler and trying to cook dinner and trying to clean as I go so that effectivly when she goes to sleep at done and can just sit back and relax!! Reason number three...d comes home to a hot meal hours after the dinner has been cmpleated... you know a lot of people thiink crocl pot cooking is only for soups and chowders and chilie's...but frankly if you can make it in an oven grill stove can make it n a crockpot! So while today I am making soup (minestrone) I woud like to salute the hard work that my crock pot has done this week...from steaks to ribs to soup to meatloaf to dessert...i salute you!

remember how they ignored me..and other fun updates.

ok so first things first Booksneeze. The kicked me off the island...I was confused...then sad...then irritated...then over it. I decided after multiple emails and a blog and a facebook give it one more shot. I just wanted to know what the heck was going on. But i didn't expect an answer...but wonder of wonders...the next day I got one! and it was an apology as well as an explanation and they restored my account. Basically my reviews were crap...and it's true. I was rushing them in an attempt to get more books but I learned my lesson and my dear hearts I will be doing better with those. so thank you booksneeze for not only answering me (finally) but also for calling me out and showing me how to be a better review bug :)

and on to updates...

HAPPY SEPTEMBER!!! you know what this means?!!? summer is almost over...and my favorite time of year is starting. one more month till holiday extravaganza starts! Awesome!! Halloween thanksgiving Christmas new years penny's 2ND (ahhhhh) birthday my 29Th(shudder) birthday it's all coming up and fast. I'm tryng really hard to not bust out the Holiday crafts and music early. i mean it is still hotter than the devil's armpit out side and will more than likely stay that way for another 2 months. so....i need to enjoy this time when penny and i can go swimming (because school is also in so the pools are now quiet)and play in the rain and run around in shorts and t-shirts.

But that doesn't mean I can't get other owrds..i have finished my Christmas shopping...ohhhh yeah.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Someone needs a lesson in costumer service...

Ok. so here goes. My last blog post was a book review for booksneeze.

Booksneeze is of course sponserd by Thomas Nelson publishing and it does cater more twords christian lit. BUT there are also biography's and some mystery thriller etc.

and I have been a member for over a year. and I loved it. free books. what's not to love.

well...there costumer service that's what.

Im not sure what I did. I must have broken some rule because this week I got kicked out.

which sucks...but it's not what upsets me. It's the fact that not once was I told I had done something wrong. and when I sent an email asking what happend...from 2 diffrent emails and on the facebook fan page...i was ignored and deleted and blocked from the fan page...

way to run a good buisness booksneeze!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Book review day!!! The Bone House by Stephen R Lawhead

Today we have Book Review for The Bone House by Stephen R Lawhead.

This book picks up where the first one (The skin map) left off. Kit has been rescued by Mina who it seems has mastered ley travel. Of course Lord Burleigh and his burly men are of course on the tral accompineid by Lady Fayth. a few new characters are introduced and we are given a glimpse into how Lord Burliegh became who he is, and a set up for a great conclusion.

I was actually really excited to get this book as I had received the first one through booksneeze and really enjoyed it. I was happy that the author included a summery in the beginning of the book. It kept me from feeling confused about where he left off in the actual story. So let's start out with the good.

I loved the character development with Lord Burleigh. Giving him a history instead of just saying "he's the bad guy...because he just is" was wonderful. The story once it started going was really quite good. I also liked the explanations about ley travel although I can also see where they might be a little hard to follow.

One thing I however did not like was how all over the place it was. In the first book there was an order to the story but with this one the transitions between the multiple story lines was not nearly as smooth and I found myself actually having to go back and re-read certain chapters to understand the story better.

BUT all in all I did enjoy it and am super excited about the next book in the series which according to the dust jacket comes out next year. I would recommend this to friends who like this genre of book because even with some hard to follow parts the author as always has done a great job!

I revived this book from Booksneeze free of charge and neither booksneeze nor thomas nelson publishing had any influence in this review. all opinions and statements are my own.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

And the Bad mommy of the year award goes to...


fuck that.....

it goes to this woman


That's right octomom...

yeah maybe I am a jennie come lately with this one...who knows.

I think the thing that bothers me so very much about this is the fact that she is so irresponsable. She wanted pregnancy and babies and wanted others to pay for it.

and the unfairness of it all. I want another baby. it's august...8 months into the year...of the 8 months i have been pregnant 3 times. all of them ending to soon.

So as I sit here having a miscarriage and wallowing in angry grief frustration and self pity...I am also judging another mom...which would normally make me feel like ass...

but for right now...this's ok.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

It's Book review time!!!!!!!!!

ok so this week I finally recived and read Thunder Dog The true story of A blind man, his guide dog, and the triumph of trust at ground zero. By Micheal Hingson.

And I liked it. I really liked it. I was expecting the whole book to be about 9/11 and their escape from tower 1 BUT was very happy to see a lot of the book was also about hiis life growing up blind the challenges he had to overcome and the new technology created for those who are blind. I likeed how he explaind the relationship with his dog as well as the time and training thagt goes into guie dogs.

This book also has given me a new view on people who are blind and how I treat them. Not that I treated them bad but I did treat them more with pitty than with respect.

The descriptons were done really well and I really felt like was there n the stairwell with him.

I would definantly recomend this book to anyone!

I recived this book free of charge from Neither booksneeze nor thomas publishing had any influence on this review and these opinions are my own.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Where did she go???

Penny is 18 months old now...a year and a half.

Less than 2 years ago...she was like this


A year ago she was like this...

Sitting up but not yet teeth. A little hair. no talking. but big smiles. Playing with toys ment grabbing them and shoving them in her mouth to nom on them or shaking them. feeling the textures.

And six months ago we were celebrating her 1st birthday.

and somehow...somewhere she slipped away from the "baby" that she was...because now...

She walks, runs, climbs. She chats with people and objects. she give hugs and kisses and pats on the back. She is independent and pitches fits when told "no" Playing with toys now consist of her rocking her baby dolls or "reading" her books. Pretending to cook and playing hide and seek.

*sigh* I don't know when it happend...she was just born!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Saying Good-bye

They say the past should be left in the past. I agree. But it's hard. I still have a lot of emotional scares and pain from my past relationships. And today I took a big step in letting them go. I deleted and blocked them from facebook. I have to say good-bye or myself and for my sanity.

I have tried this before but the problem is I still have friends that also are still friends with my ex'es. kinda hard to forget when they keep being brought up. So today I announced that no one was to talk to me about them. If i bring them up then people are to change the subject. i will get them out of my lie for good.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

my favorite moments...

Rocking her to sleep. I don't do it a lot anymore. since she has been in her toddler bed (december) I have done it maybe 5 times. But I still love it. It's because of her hands. tiny. delicete. her fingers gently strocking her blankie or playing wih my hair.

I want to cry about how big she is now. year ago she had no hair and couldn't crawl. now she has a full head of hair and is running jumping clmbing all over the place.

In part I think that is why I want another baby so badly. I miss it. want to have the snuggles and the new baby smell.

of course this time s diffrent. with a toddler in toe!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Ketchup's a veggie...right?

So way back when penny was nothing more than a second line on a pregnancy test...I began (in my mommy excitment)to play the never will I ever game.

And it seems the older she gets the harder it is to keep those never's as never's

three in particular are coming up now.

Never will I ever feed my kid cheap boxed mac n cheese or chicken nuggets unless it's a birthday...and then not until she is 10

She had Chicken nuggets for lunch...with apples and I balanced it.

Never Will I ever Allow my child to run around in just a diaper.

ok so this one still stands...but only because She can take her diaper off if she isn't wearing pants...

Never will I ever serve my toddler a meal without veggies...

see above lunch menu for the day...but....she also had ketchup...that counts as a veggies right...RIGHT!?!?

Franky the longer I am a mommy and the more I get used to it the easier this stuff is getting. The less I feel like a bad mom. The less I feel like a failer for not being perfect...because I know I am a good mom...and thats enough.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Book Review! a Place Called Blessing.

Well this week I recived a new Biik. A Place called Blessing by John Trent

When picked this biik I was really excited. O have not yet read The blessong but I have heard about it. I also mistankenly thought this was a true story.

But that was my fault.

I will be frank. I was dissapointed.

It was a short read which is fine but I didn't get any lesson from it abiut the Blessing until after the story and during the study guide.

The begining read well and belivable. Working with kids inn the system I could tell the author had experience as a child being in the system.

but thats where it ended.

I couldn't help but feel like I was reading a script for a Hallmark movie.

It was predictable and pretty mediocore. Withe the exception if Anna I didn't feel conected to any of the characters and Josh got on my last nerve. Mike was a nice change until he got all "over protective older brother" about josh dating his cousin.

I wouldn't recomend this to someone as just a great read but it did have it's moments. I think in a group reading setting and in conjuction with Reading the Blessing it wiuld be fine though.

I recived this book free of charge from book sneeze and the in no way influenced my revie. These are opinions are entirly my own.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Father's day...a day late...

I know...bad blogger. I should have done this yesterday...but I was kinda busy. and i didn't know exactly what or how I wanted to approach this subject in my blog.

I mean father's day in our house honor's so many fathers.

1) D. My husband. Penny's daddy. Our rock. The man who makes the weekends awsome just because he is here...all day.

2) David's dad. Penny's grandfather. my father in law. A man who is like The Godfather, Mic Jagger, Julia Child's and a Gummy Bear all rolled into one.
He raised david from the time he was 4 and taught him about life. He taught me how to make the best red sauce from scratch.

3) My bio-dad. Kenny the great white hunter. I am more like him than anyone else. He taught me how a man should treat his wife and children. Never the absentee dad even though my parents were divorced. He took me on daddy-daughter dates and while i did not share is love of hunting (that would be my older sister)He loved me for all that I was. My sarcasm and quick wit. My love of reading and movies and writing. and in just a few weeks I will be helping him set up a blog :)

4)My step-dad. A man who married a woman with 2 little girls...and has never made me feel like anything other than his daughter. Who nurterd my faith and put up with more angsty teenage girl fits than anyone i know.

and last but not least.

D's bio-dad. he was absent from D's life from the age of 2 on. the last time d saw him was when he was 5. he died when d was 14 but unfortunantly d didn't know till he was 18. but he was 1/2 of the "creative team" that made david. and for that...I am thankful. Without him...D would not be here...neither for that matter...would penny.

So to all of the dad's out there..Thank you...I Love you :)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I feel so stabby lately

and by stabby I mean cranky...twords everything and everyone. my husband my kid my riends my life. Trying to concive is a big one. everyone is having babies or getting pregnant...but not me. multiple losses and stuggles are not made better by the constante barage of "just relax it will happen" or "have sex upside down doggie style while eating lemons and playiing the ukelale...we got pregnant on the first try doing that.

*sigh* january I was pregnant...febuary i wasn't april I was pregnant...may I wasnt...

it's like a horrible version of he loves me he loves me not.

im currently in not mode...when if things were diffrent i would be in pregnant 5 months.

i think of what i would be doing. I would be stocking up on things like diapers and blankets. clearing out space in penny's room for the new baby. setteling on a name. possibly knowing the sex. laughinig if it is anohter girl because she is fully clothed...crackin g up hystericly if it was a boy because he would have nothing thus far!

and I would be due in sept. my countdown would have begun. 3 more months and I would have a floppy wrinkly newborn. we would be parents of two kiddos. penny would be a big sister.

She is goign to love being a big sis...she loves babies.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I'm making amish friendship bread...with chocolate intead of cinnimon


My family teases me now because of the baking i do. Growing up the last thing my family would have pictured me doing would be staying home with my kids and getting excited over baking. They thought I would be off trying to make myself famous in new york and more worried about shoes than things like natural bug spray for my vegtable garden and making tutu's.

The truth is...I never pictured this being where I ended up as well.

If you had told me ten years ago I would have a beautiful daughter an amazing husband and that we would be trying again for another baby...i would have laughed my but off. I knew i wanted kiddos...but not until I had dominated the stage for at least 10 years.

I love my life. I wouldn't change it...not even a little bit.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

a Reluctunt Queen...A reluctunt review

ok I will admit. I love the biblical story of Ester. And it is set up for an awsome romantic story.

BUT...i think the auther did not do the story justice.

A lot of it seemed rushed and as it is a story based on historical igures and occurences...I wish she had been more accurate.

It was an easy read and the story did seem to flow (althoguh some of the parts seemed slightly rushed) At the end I was just kind of left with a feeling of slight dissapointment.

now I did enjoy the back story that she made for some of the characters. People who represent pure evil in the biblical text are given humanity.

All in all I will say that I will probably read this again...but it will also end up at a yard sale at some point.

I have been given The Reluctant Queen by Joan Wolf free of charge by
All opinionons of this book in the review are my own and in no way influenced by booksneeze or thomas publishing.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Potty 3 days?

We are officially Potty Trainig. I wasn't ready for it but penny very much was. Only one one...and I mean NO ONE makes underwear small enough for her...*sigh*...

But I digress. She likes to potty. The first time she went on the potty she was so excited and happy. I have even made up a spiffy song and dance rutine for potty time. It's pretty freaking fantastic.

And i expected it to take a 6 months...minimum.

and Then I heard about the 3 day potty training program.

really...three days?

now I know some parents are succseful...but(and this a a huge but) Does the kid feel pressured? Do the parents feel pressure? i guess my thing about it is I hate rushing her growing up. I love her...and want her to be a kid as long as resonable. And rushing the potty training now when she isn't even 2 I am wanting her to grow up way to fast.

But I won't more diapers...seems awsome!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

some's best to just throw the toy away...

I love my mother in law...She's awsome. And besides that whenever we go visit she always has bags of clothing and toys that J has outgrown for penny...but tells me everysingletime...don't keep them unless you want to. now the clothing...yeah always because the are nice and clean and hell I am not one to get rid of clothes that will be used. The toys are always hit or miss. Now J for christmas 2 years ago gopt this toy

and last was handed down to penny. The problem is it is no longer a fluffy white is this...

Of course penny loves it.

I would throw it away...but I am scared it would be sitting in our front step the next morning with like a dead snake at it's feet giving me the evil eye...


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tea and Testimony

MOPS...aka...moms of preaschoolers. I joined about 3 months ago...and I loove it. Sadley friday was the last meeting till august. And it was the Tea and Testimony.

The meeting before our leader got up and shared her story...and I was shocked! She was a victim of domestic violence...and she was talking about it...openly.

I had never shred my story before and for the next two weeks just kept arguing with myself.

Finally...I decded to do it.

It felt like a weight lifted of my shoulders...

It felt wonderful...

and as I walked down from the podium...I could her the song I'm Freeee! playing in my head.

The Skin review!!!

I freaking looove getting free books. especially when i enjoy them as much as I did this one...but before we begine...

I recived The Skin Map for free from Booksneeze. The views and opinions on this book are my own and in no way influenced by Booksneeze or Thomas Nelson Publishing.

ok on with the review.

The Skin Map by Stephen Lawhead.

I love mysteries. And I love mysteries that surround ancient secrets. like the davinci code and the National treasure movies.

So this little Gem was right up my ally. It was kind of a slow start and there is a lot of back and forth between characters, times, and worlds. but on the whole it sucks you in.

The Main Characters are well developed and the story flows. I love that each chapter has a descriptive title instead of just chapter 1 chapter 2 etc.

I was anticipating another "ancient brotherhood" type mystery and was pleasently surprised to find it had more to do with Ley lines than brotherhoods.

It did leave off in a cliffhanger and luckyu for me the next book in the series will be released in Sept. of this year. I look forward to purchasing it and continuing the journey.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

So Tired...

So very tired. It is just an overwhelming feeling of exsaution. Yesterday Penny and I were playing in the living room. One moment I was rolling balls back and forth with her and the next moment Penny was nose to nose with me pating my head and saying "momma...MOMMA!" and I was drolling out of the corner of my mouth. By dinner time i had the lightheaded feeling.

I am lucky that i have such an easy baby with penny. I don't know if she and i are just so in tune with each other because i am a stay at home mommy or if it is a normal mommy/baby thing but in the same way i can tell when she is not 110% she can do the same with me.

i thought that having a full nights sleep last night would help but here i sit while penny naps...blogging...and i am once again feeling the need for sleep.

It's like I am back in my 1st tri again. I was so very tired.

I would love to say it's pregnancy but I know it isn't We have six more weeks to wait till we start officially trying again and trust...if I am is only a day or two! lol.

*sigh* I love my daughter and my life but today I just wish I could lay down and take a nap...and actually sleep and not be on the edge of full on sleep...and be thinking "was that penny? When is she going to wake up?"

Saturday, April 30, 2011

no again? NOT AGAIN!

Another freaking miscarriage. and I keep asking myself why? WHY?!?!?

*sigh* maybe we just need to stop. for now. maybe we are not ready.

but we are. we know we are we feel ready.

and it happens again and again and again.

It just sucks. I feel like a little bit of me gets chipped away each and everytime.

I can't enjoy pregnancy or posostive test anymore. because I will think...ehhh Im pregnant...for now. Don't get used to it.

Why is it so hard.

and then there are the stupid comments. I didn't tell anyone this time because I wanted to avoid them "just in case"

"God has a reason for everything"
"there was probably something wrong with the baby"
"at least you already have a child"
"at least you were only 6 weeks along and not farther down"

it doesn't matter how far along i was. the bottom line is I wasn't pregnant long enough to be not pregnant anymore.

I know god has a plan...just wish i knew what it was

Friday, April 29, 2011

Knitting Knee-Highs

I love knitting...but thus far I have not succeded in making more than a small baby blanket.

Knit one pearl two.

So imagine my excitment when on book sneeze about a week ago I saw a new book..Knitting knee-highs.

a book on how to knit socks...awsome cool knee high socks...and leg warmers FREAKING LEG WARMERS!!!

I had imagies in my head of knitting awsome socks for me and my friends. I pictured my daughter and i sporting matching leg warmers.

after reciving the book I was not yet ment to be. While the patterns are is definantly a book for those who are more intermediete with knittng.

It is not for beginners. i repet NOT FOR BEGINNERS!

the illustrations are great and Barb Brown did a great job explaining sizes and showing how to easily convert sock patterns.

I still look forward to making all of the socks in this just might take a little longer than i thought.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

just say no to the tie on bikini!!!

I have said it before and I will say it warm swimmng...hate bathing suits...HATE THEM!

I am lucky though that I have 1 swimsuit that I love. It hides things that should be hidden and my boobs fit perfectly.

unfortunantly...I left it at my mother in laws house last weekend (note to debbie so I can get my swimsuit back before john decides to use it as a super hero cape)

anyway back to the problem...penny had a swimming lesson today. and as I have to get in the pool with them...I was left in a conudrum...what the heck do I wear.

Now i have a bathing suit top which is jokingly marked as a size extra large...yeah right. But I had to wear something sooo the top and shorts...oh yeah people..I looked hot...HAWT!

Go ahead...I can wait til the laughter dies down....

ok so back to the story...there i was looking as hot as this guy

when penny (who did really well her first lesson) went crazy....Bat.Shit.Crazy.

not sure what triggerd it.

and what did she do...she grabbed for mommy of course. mommy her protector. mommy the one who bats away the evil luv bugs and alows her to eat dirt and smells her stinky feet everyday. Mommy who was wearing a tie on bikini top that was struggaling to hold it all in...

I am not sure which more embaressing...the fact that i was front of God and everyone...or that before I could stuff them back into my top and tie it...penny started batting at them like a cat swatchs at toy on a string


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Bronte...she's a bit...wordy.

I love reading..loooove it! It's not just the act of reading either or the stories (although they are a big part of it) It's the smell or the paper and the feel of turning the pages.

and as much as I love reading I realized I have a list of classics I have never touched. I own them but have never read them in all my 27 years.

So here is my 6 month list

1)Wuthering Heights (I just started this one last night)

2) Jane Eyre

3)Pride and Prejudice

4)Sense and Sensability

5) Emma

6) The Hobbit

7)The Lord of the rings trilogy 9yeah I know this is three seperat books but I lump them all together as I know I will be reading them back to my copy is all three in one book)

so there it is. my 6 month list.

I did just start wuthering heights last night but I am having trouble getting into it. I have only read 1 chapter thus far (as opposed to the 3-4 chapters i normally try to read a night.) but in my defense i was exsausted. penny has been sick for 3 days and while I normally keep up the house during the day...with her being sick she has also been ultra clingy and not sleeping soundly. That may have some thing to do with it.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The first rule about TU-TU club is...


ok so now that i have that out of my system...her we go with easy peasy no sew tutu's!

So the first thing you will need to do is measure the person you are making it for. Remember to make it maybe an inch bigger because once you add the tulle it will be thicker.

Ok now that you have measured it's time for the supplies.

an elastic band or if you want to be really no sew you can use an elastic head-band :)

So you have your elastic band all cut and ready to go?

Great! So hear comes the only sewing. just a simple backstitch to made the this

ok so hear comes my least favorite is tedious. And if you have little ones...impossible unless they are asleep.

See what I mean

Cutting the tule. The bigger the tutu the more tule. and it is easy to snag and it gets we are not talking about the easiest fabric to handle...half the time it ends up like this

Anyway back to is a long tediuous want 16 in strips. Once it's has been cut (and if you are using multiple colorsI would advise keeping them all in diffrent piles...white and pink look just alike until you mess up )

now this next step while not as tedious does take awile. the great thing is you can very quickly and easily get into a rhythm and do this while watching Glee or Supernanny or any of your favorite television shows or movie.

So take a strip of tule (or if you like me by the end of the cutting process you refer to it as Devil fabric!) fold it in half like this

and tie it on the waistband. it should look like this...

after about ten you need to scrunch them together like this...

And you continue to do it until no more tule (devil fabric) fit's.

take a look at yout tutu and trim it up if need be...then sit back relax and have a glass of wine because have now made an adorable tutu!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

In front of god and everyone...a book review.

I initially choose this book because of the title. In front of God and everyone is one of my favorite sayings. Something my grandmother used to say. Imagine my delight when I see that the whole thing takes place in arkansas!! fyi...that would be where my family is from:)

From the first chapter where april grace relives a situation that is both embarassing and sad you get sucked in. Takeing place in the summer of 1986 in arkansas April's honesty and funny quips remind us to look at life through the eyes of innocence. I was surprised that the little girl is actually 7 when the book starts out (as the picture on the cover shows a girl much older) but soon forgot that. This is a great book for any book worms that would love a lighthearted and heartfelt read.

I recieved this book by participating in Book sneeze nd the company and publisher in no way influenced my opinion of this book.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My favorite time of day.

When I first wake up...which is strange as i am so not a morning person.

But there is a peace and calm when I first wake up. I sit on my porch and have my morning coffee and watch the world wake up. I am able to just enjoy the peace.

You maybe wondering why i don't get this peace at night after penny goes to sleep.

Well the answer is I do...somewhat.

But while there is that quiet peace at night I am also finishing up my cleaning for the day taking a shower and baisiclly just kind of shutting down for the night.

I am also listening out for penny in case she wakes up.

but in the morning it's diffrent.

I am refreshed and hopefull. Looking at a day full of possibilitys. and waiting for the moment when my best little girlfriend wakes up and we can have our breakfast together :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Daddy Dates.

when I was younger my dad and I would go on what we called daddy-daughter dates. we would usually go see a movie and then to the village inn for pie.

my parents were divorced and my older sister had a special bod with my dad because they both loved hunting.

I did not.

I loved barbies and lipgloss...and movies.

It was a special time for dad and I and to this day I am so happy we had those times together. I hope D and Penny get to do that to.

A few days ago I got a new book from Booksneeze in the mail called daddy dates.

1 man 4 daughters.


Sometimes I don't think guys realize the impact the relationship they have with their daughters has.

Greg wright is able to hit the nail on the head with pretty much every chapter and his humor makes the book an easy read.



nothing to scandalous. Truthfully there was a time where i could make a confession that would make you grab your pearls place your hand on your forhead and gracefully pass out. But that was about 4 years ago...and times...they are a-changing.

Confession one. i am not a great housekepper. but I am not horrible either. unfortunantly D is very anal when it comes to cleaning...what I see as clean is diffrent from what he see's as clean. It has taken 3 years for us to come to a happy medium. I have learned to properly wash the dishes and he has learned that if he can't take a piss without hiting the toilet seat then I can't clean it...

Confession two. I have slacked off on trying activly to lose weight. I have lost about 40 pounds in the time since penny was born...but I still have about 40 more to lose before i am at a healthy weight.

Confession three.because of the weight issue, my recent loss, my struggle with ppd...I am scared of getting pregnant. This is the month we will activly start trying to concieve baby number 2 (yes rebecahhhh...I am announcing that D and I will be bumping uglies! lol) but I am scared. I want another baby...but for the past week I have been wondering if it is the right time.

Confession four. I want a change. nothing major. just something like a new haircut or hair color. as far as the hair color goes my head breaks out so bad when I dye my hair so thats a no far as cutting it I am trying to figure out what cut would look best on me....

and there it confessions for the month! and yeah no book reviews! lol(j/k actually I love doing the book reviews but i don't want to make it something I write about more than anythign...that would get boring)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The scariest part...

So it's official. We are coming out of the closet and announcing that we are trying for baby number two (so now you all know...we are having sex) I won't bore you with the details of my charting escapades (because who wants to really hear about my cervical mucus and luteral cycles)

But i will say this...pregnancy after a terrifying.

My first pregnnacy while wrot with drama from the baby daddy was exciting and happy and wonderful...until it wasn't anymore and i was left with a feeling of emptiness.

Penny's pregnancy while a model picture perfect pregnancy had me on edge until 14 weeks becacus ei was officially in the 2nd tri and misscarriage risk were down...and I relaxed. Until at 22 weeks a fellow bumpie who shared my due date went itno pre term labor and lost her beautiful angel.

que the panic until 37 weeks when I began to breath again...but only for two more weeks because by then I had my daughter :)

The last pregnancy ended at 7 1/2 weeks. So in my mind I am hopeful but also scared. I never ever want to go through a loss again. could it happen? yes. but i must stop focusing on that.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Lightkeepers ball

You know what I love...mysteries. You know what I hate...when said mysteries storyline gets all delayed because of cheesy sex scenes...which is review for The Lightkeepers a good solid 10

I have never read any books by Colleen Coble and when I saw she had a series based somewhat on lighthouses I got excited! This book has everything I enjoy: mystery, romance, and suspense. The characters are likable, understandable, and I can relate to them. Because it is Christian fiction I didn’t have to deal with censoring scenes in the book that slow down the action. I also wasn't rolling my eyes at the cheesy languge.

It had a great surprise ending which I enjoy and appreciate in a book!

my only issue is that I didn't know it was a series and that this is in fact the third one...which totally offsets my balance!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Max on life!!

Ok so yes this is a book review ( I know 2 in less than a week...crazy!) But seriously this book is amazing!

Max on Life is by Max Lucado whom I have always been a fan of.

As a christian writer and preacher this book is set up like a Q & A session at church. But the questions are ones I have asked myself at least once in my lifetime and the answers are so well written that I can actually understand them.

I love how it is set up and it can be used as a devotional during quiet time as well as a refrence book. The sections are seperated nicely and it is easy to find the answers or questions you are looking for.

It was a very easy read. I recived the book and read it in 1 day! I would recommend this book to pretty much anyone who has these faith based questions on everything from finances to sex to relationships to the church and faith itself!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Let's talk about SEX !

*warning* this post talks about sex and if that offends you...please stop reading right now.

You know what the worst part about being on my period is...on day 2 (and it never fails and always happens) I want my hubby so bad. And by want I mean...I feel the urge to jump his bones like a rabbit in spring time.

I love sex...and i really love it with the hubs. He and i have always had a great physical relationship.

But alas...on day to of aunt flo's visit...nothing happens (sometimes he may get a blow job but that's only if it's day off). normally I just fall into a sexxy dream filled sleep...

except this week. This week I told him I wanted to make out at the very least...and maybe some boobie grabbing (whatever...I have needs!)

the problem...we were at my dad's house and i was slightly tipsy because of the 2 bottles of wine my dad and I had put away that day.

And D...he was running on all of 4 hours of sleep. Needless to say nothing happend and it sucked...becaus e made D feel horrible...which made me feel like crap.

I was drunk menstrating hormonal and horny...and D was way to tired to know how to deal with it all properly.

The next morning I apologized...and he laughed. For the rest of the day he would whisper naughty comments and suggestions in my ear of all the things we could do that night when we got home and what he was going to do with me when aunt flo left...

When we got home that night I put P to bed...took a shower and layed down in bed waiting for D to finish his shower so we could get it on so to speak...

I woke up 12 hours later...*sigh*

and I was so looking forward to it too...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Time with God for Mothers...a review

Time with God for Mothers by Jack Countryman is a devotional book specificlly geard twords moms.

I have been looking for a mom devotional for a while and was excited to see this one avalible.

It was a lot smaller than i was expecting when I recived it but very nice.

I am still in the process of doing the devotional part but I liked the diffrent passages and the way it is set up with devotions geard twords specific situations.
I would say my one and only complaint is it doesn't have any where to write notes or any actual real life lessons. You have to make do with your own journal and figuring out which thing in your life it applies to.

I do like keeping it in my bedside table to read through at night.

All in all I wouldn't say it is a devotional so much as an insipiration book.

I would recomend this to be a prayer heler though.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Empty Cradle. The first Loss

It always happens in march. Every year. Last year I actually started thinking about my loss in march but by my original due date (July 29Th)...I had for gotten.

But once again march is here and once again my thoughts are going back to that time. It seems strange to me that I don't have these thoughts in December which is when the loss occurred.

over the past year even though they are still in my mind and in my heart...I have not thought about it as much. but then yesterday looking through some old pictures...i found a belly pic from that pregnancy.

and a picture of me standing next to the crib I purchased for them.

I remember how happy i was setting it up. I was living back at home with my parents and had it set up in my bedroom.

and I remember coming home from the hospital. exhausted, heartbroken, angry, and walking into my room. and there it was...the crib with two little teddy bears.

it was a hateful reminder and yet a comfort as well. I couldn't bring myself to take it down because that would mean they were really and truly gone. So for almost 7 months there it sat.

2 times my dad tried to break it down for storage and once my mom offered it to a girl at her work that was pregnant. all three times I screamed at them hateful words. Telling them how insensitive and UN loving they were.

they didn't understand and neither did I.

a week before my due date my dad came into my room sat down and said these words...

"Michelle...the crib wont bring them back."

I broke down. For half a year people had tip toed around me and allowed me o sit in my room for hours staring at the crib. no one had been able to tell me what ME father had. My babies were gone. and the crib being up and ready for them was not going to magically make me pregnant again with two healthy babies.

A week later the teddy bears and clothes I had purchased had been packed away and put in the attic and the crib was broken down and gone. I don't know where too...i never asked. My dad waited till I was at work.

The clothes and the bears I did myself with my mom sitting next to me. It was my way of saying good bye.

To this day it is all still in my parents attic tucked away in a corner sealed up and inside with the bears and the identical sets of a my babies.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

What we teach our kids is important.

The weather is getting warmer and warmer every day. I knew this was coming. I have a love hate relationship with florida spring and summer weather. I love going to the beach and swimming by the pool and soaking up the yummy sun rays. but I hate bathing suit season.


because I have never...NEVE...looked good in a bathing suit.
I mean they show off everything!

Loising weight for me has been a struggle.

But I love the water and I want penny to have good self esteem.

So for the past 3 days we have played at the beach and the pool. And I doned a bathing suit.

And we had fun.

Then today happend.

While at the pool a group of girls came in (I would say 11-13) all in their cute little bikini bathing suits. About 5 minutes later another little girl came down with her mom (she looked like she was about 8 or 9) and she was wearing a one peice. As soon as she saw the other girls she smiled jumped in the pool and swam over to them. Now before i continue I must say that 1) this little girl was in now way overweight...but she was not developed like the other girls and 2) I was surprised by how well of a swimmer she was.

The older three girls...ignored her laughed at her called her chunky.

And I watched as she swamm back to the other side of the pool climbed the steps wrapped a towel around her sholders and sat next to her mom.

Her mom hugged her told her she was beautiful and that she was the best daughter ever.

The little girl refused to take the towel off and she and her mother left the pool 10 minutes later.

She wasn't my child. But my heart broke for her. because she was me. And she is me. Still scared of being judged and made fun of for not looking right.

But why did those other little girls think it was ok?

Then Their mothers showed up...and I understood.

because for the next 20 minuets the moms sat on pool chairs drinking wine coolers and chatting back and forth about how much weight a friend of theirs had gained and how annoying it was to go out with her now. When I got out of the pool with penny I heard one of them say "oh my god"

I ignored it...because it couldn't possibly be about me.

Then as we were leaving one of them whisperd (loudly) that poor little girl...hope she doesn't get fat like her mom.

And thats when it hit me.

those little girls...those mean insesitive little girls...were just repeting what they heard mom say and do.

So I have made a promise to myself.

I want my daughter to be happy and healthy. And to not let other people deflate her self image.

And to do that...I have to be happy with myself...and not let others deflate my self image as well.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Mom's Bible...a book review!

As I type this review my one year old is despretly trying to help me. I think back over the past year and I have to admit...I am grateful for this book.

Mom's Bible is literlly a bible...but it has special devotionals for mom's

I am not a HUGE fan of the particular version but that has more to do with me liking the languge and being a fan of the king james version more than a critique of the book itself.

The devotionals are amazing insitful and a wonderful way to end my day.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The hardest thing

So I finally have started mourning my latest loss. It's hard. Part of it is so hard because the reality of my situation is I am fiunally in a good place with PPD. I feel safe.

The thought of having my toddler and a new baby and possibly having to deal with PPD all over's terrifying.

BUT that being said...

I realize that through the healing process...I ahve become stronger. I think of all of the time lost. and I mourn that to.

I know if I do have another I am surrounded by love and people who will absolutly see me through. I wount be scared or embarressed to speak up.

I will be able to ask for help.

So with that being said I think i am in a place where I can whole heartedly say I want more kiddos. and I feel ready.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Being a native floridian...IT HAS IT'S PERKS.

I am finally ready to say it. after 28 years of complaining about living in florida because of the tourist the weather the lack of mountains...I'm saying it.

I love florida.

I love being able to walk over to sea world whenever I want (well during operatiing hours that is)

I love the beach.

I love the weather (except in august september and october...those months still suck weather wise)

When I was younger I hated living in florida...HATED it! I was born here and by here I mean straight up central florida. 20 min away from disney. All of my frineds were from other places and had lived in states that snowed. but not me. I was 18 before I got to see snow.

I always imagined when i grew up moving away from the sunshine state.

Now I can't imagine living anywhere else.

I am a florida girl. Proud and sunburned :)

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Happiest I have ever been.

You know how most people have that one thing that makes them just melt with happiness.

maybe it's chocolate. Maybe it's reading. But it is something that just hearing the words makes you feel euphoric...

I know what you are all thinking...your thinking the basis of my pure happiness is this...

Yes i love my daughter a whole lot. Yes she makes me happy beyond reality...but no...this is not what sends my boddy into shock waves of bliss.

It's this...


Did I ever tell you all how we met? No? Well what a story.

which for right now I am not going to tell because I keep getting distracted by the man meat!!!

I sometimes ask myself howin the world I got so lucky. On the rare occasion that I accidently say it outloud and in his presence...he usually just smiles and says..."I'm the Lucky one"

I keep telling him he doesn't have to work so hard to get in my pants...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

She may look like him...

and according to everyone...she does. And I do mean everyone.

My parents his parents his co-workers,My friends, the office staff at the apartments...random strangers at sea world.

in fact since she was born I think I can recall only 2 people who said she looked like me.

my family even jokes that D just sat on an egg and hatched her and question if she is actually mine...

this used to annoy me to no end.

until that is 3 weeks ago.

Penny and I were at our MOPS meeting (which my aunt is also a member of) when my daughter first went running after a little boy (who turned and horror!) and then had a meltdown like her heart was broken when he spurnned her advances.

the other ladies laughed (causing her much distress because "OMG THIS IS SERIOUS!!"

My aunt wiping a tear from her eye and trying to control her laughter announced...

"see that ladies...that dramatic she gets from her mom."

now maybe to the outsider this would seem annoying and kinda slap in the face-ish BUT...

for me (and because I know my aunt) it was a complement...

She was saying.

my just like me :)

Friday, February 25, 2011

What's new...

so how long has it been. I don't know.

I do know that it has been long enough that I need to update my readers (if they are in fact still reading )

I joined a mommy group. It's awsome! Penny gets to play with kiddos her own age and mommy gets a couple of hours to hang out with other mommies. I really wish i had done this earlier :)

3 weeks ago we found out i was pregnant. A week ago I had a misscarriage.
It isn't my first loss. I haven't grieved yet...I will. but just not yet.
D is doing great with his new job and just got a raise.

Penelope is walking talking and no longer a baby...kinda makes me sad...but in a happy way if that makes sense.

The wieght loss is still an ongoing battle but I am determined to be at a healthy weighy (i.e. 145 pounds) by the end of the year. i need to loose 1 pound a week which i feel is achievable. I want penny to have a good role modle in me and that means being healthy. I want david to have the beautiful healthy wife he deserves...and I am just so tired of being fat.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Lost...and found

I haven't written in so long. In part because I haven't had time. It seems like anymore the day seems to fly by and before I know it the sun is setting again and penny is getting ready for bed. after a year of mommyhood I still feel like I just don't have a grasp on it sometimes. I qustion my self and onstantly seek approval from others.

I am often jealous of D and penny's relationship. Her face lights up as soon as she see's him. It has been a while since that happend with me. she used to give me big smiles when I walked in her room in the morning but in the last 3 months that has stoped. Which made me sad.

D told me it was just beacuse I am with her all the time and he isn't. He assured me she loves me and is lost when I am not there.

I finally understood the other day when i attended my first MOPS group and had to drop penny off at the moppets group.

Granted i was only gone for 2 hours but as soon as she heard my voice and saw my face she gave me a huge smile and ran to the door with arms outstreatched. It felt wonderful.

I think every mom questions herself from time to time and my therapist says I am having normal natural feelings.

I just wish I didn't. I wish I could be one of those moms who knows what she is doing and has the perfect comeback every single time someone questions her choices. But I don't. It simply makes me question myself even further.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New year...better year!

I won't lie...I was kinda sorta in l;ove with 2010. until the end of september that is.

D's job loss and depression and our finacial woes were very difficult.

And we are still struggaling. He has a job now which is AWSOME! but the pay cut is a lot. and we worry about the hours he will be getting. will it be enough to make our bills.

I feel so helpless. I want to bring in money to help ease the burden. But I feel stuck.

If I get a job then p goes into daycare. Let me just explain that I in NO WAY am a daycare all. I worked in daycare/preschool for years and I loved it and miss it a lot. but the fact is it is expensive. If i get a job then it would have to be one that pays for her childcare...which in our area...would very likely eat up my entire paycheck.

So that is the problem. do I work to pay for daycare use gas in the car and bring in baisiclly no income?

D has been great though. every day he tells me how much he appreciates me being a stay at home mom. how much of a help i am and how he loves never having to worry about p while he is at work because he knows she is with me and that I am taking care of her.

but it doesn't stop the guilt i feel.

To add more stress my older sis is now living wit my mom. She just recently announced to us that she has been having suicidel thoughts. She is now on meds and seeing a therapist.

but she is also very hard to live with. we her family are unsupportive, uncaring, and apparently the source of her depression.

but her bff is the best ever as is HER family.

I wonder if they would be so caring and wonderful if she lived with them and didn';t pay rent or help out around the house and spent money like it was going out of style...I doubt it.

I hope 2011 will be a better year than the last 4 months of 2010