Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Run Cleavage RUN!!!

So I have lost 43 pounds since giving birth.

I know I know..I should be happy. I should not want to lose more...but I do.

The fact is...I am still out of shape and over weight.

So I have been looking for diffrent things to do.

My excersize dvds are now second nature and i use them to simply maintain my weight.

With D being out of work (although he got a job today! woot! but more on that later) I can't afford an excersize class or gym membership.

So I have decided after reading the updates on

that I want to do the couch 2 5k running program...

god help me.

But I know I can do this.

I want to be healthy. David desreves a hot sexy healthy wife. Penny deserves at healthy active mommy.

and I deserve to be able to look at myself nekkid and be happy :)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


It's no secret that I am a "bumpie" I love the bump. I do have my home board with ladies that I have known and been bumping with since 1st tri. I even have a couple which I would consider personal friends.

I think eve without The bump I would be a great mom. But because of it and the ladies on it I feel the transition was easier.

My PPD was a struggle (and still is) and although I did not post about it reading the stories of my fellow bumpies struggaling with it was a huuuuge help.

and even small things..

cloth diapering homemade baby food and breastfeeding...these were all things I learned about and got help with through the bump.

And it's not to say that it's all puppies and rainbows all the time...because it isn't.

There is a board though that i lurk on (which I promise you is not as creepy as it sounds)

And on this board is a group of woman who's streangth and love astounds me.

One of the ladies just lost her beautiful child.

I have sufferd a loss.

I know the pain.

But I also know her exponentialy larger.

For me losing the monkeys at just under 3 months was horrible.

But to give birth and hold your child and then lose them...

The outpouring of love was amazing.

And even though she does not know me. My heart breaks.

and she and her family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Monday, September 27, 2010

You take the good you take the bad you mix them up and there you have...

The facts of life!

Ugh my blogs have been so depressing lately.
But things are so much better. i have a job interview and D has 2...all in the next three days.

You know I think the hardest part about this whole situation...

The reason for D feeling so depressed...

Was the lack of call backs.

It kinda makes you feel like something is wrong with you.

But we are both getting callbacks and it is just a matter of time till one of us gets a job.

In the meantime we are enjoying hockey season (Go Rangers!) a new season of Hell's Kitchen (YOU DONKEY!)
and watching penny change overnight...she stood on her own and took 2 wobbly half steps today.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hope burns brighter

I am so sick and tired of crying, being worried, being scared.

I just want some hope...just a little bit.

Everynight my prayers are the same...

"Please us. Please let david get a job. Or let me get a job. Please watch over and protect my family"

Today while D was sleeping the phone rang. It was his old manager.

And then there it was...


Maybe a job. Maybe the thing that will help.

Help get us out of debt.

Help D stop being depressed.

Help us stop being worried about what we are going to do after the first of the month when the money is gone.

My prayers have changed.

"Thank you god for giving us this hope."

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The breakdown.

In the past few weeks D has been slipping. He has good days (or as I call them days where he hids it well) and really horrible days.

But it's always there...just beneth the surface.

In the past few weeks he has gone from hopeful (as soon as I get a job things will be ok...we just may need to budget) to hopeless (Game over it's done! You guys are better off without me)

Yesterday he went to see a guy at ace hardware...a family friend.

He was told he would be the first hire. he guy was seriously impressed with his resume.

But they will not be hiring for 4 more weeks.

for d that is to long.

He became quietly depressed. Which is worse than before. before he was at least talking.

Yesterday I asked him if he wanted to be alone...should the baby and i go spend the night at my moms we could be out of his hair.

he told me to do whatever i felt was right.

I decided to stay but to take the baby to my moms house. I though david and I just needed a night together...alone.

needless to say he broke down when I brought her in to say goodbye.

First he thought we were both leaving. Then he just cried. and then I cried. and then penny started crying.

So there we were. a family. struggaling. loving. and crying together.

After the tears stopped and we all calmed down He promised never to leave us. And I promised never to take the baby and leave him

...and penny said quack quack drooled a little bit and tried to pull out davids leg hair...

Which was (roughly translated) her way of saying...

and I will never leave either.

We are a family. We stick together. As long as we are all still together we will be ok.

I know it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Looking up...

Things may be looking better. D has a possible job opportunity.

But no more over thinking and no more focusing on the negative.


must just think of this...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Is it worth it?

after last night (which was not good) I woke up early. even after being up late. My brain wouldn't allow me to sleep. I layed in bed curled around my sleeping husband. Just thinking.

I am not as weak as I thought I was.

Some things are worth fighting for.

my family is worth fighting for.

I won't give up.

I can't.

I refuse to sit by and let it happen.

That is my streangth.

I won't allow myself to belive that we wont always be together. That is giving up.

D said I needed to start accepting the fact that it would happen. To accept it now would be weak. would mean I had done everything and there was no hope.

There is always hope.


Thursday, September 16, 2010


Today started out good. and then D got the phone call he had been waiting for.

A small glimer of hope. Maybe the nightmare would end. Maybe he could get his job back.

When he got home I knew. I knew the meeting didn't go as he hoped.

more tears. God I didn't think I could cry anymore. But I did. A whole new ocean seemed to form.

It's like a nightmare where you keep trying to outrun the invisable horror that is behind you and you just can't

3 weeks. That is about how long i have with him. I am so angry and heartbroken.

Why can't he stay with us. Why is he not seeing the way this is killing me.

and what about penny.

She loves him so much. But she is only 8 months old. How dare he even think of leaving her without memories of him.

I am so angry at so many right now.

Angry at him for giving up and even suggesting that we live without him...even for a day.

Angry at the company for not taking him back.

Angry at all of the companies that are hiring but didn't even call him for an interview.

Angry at the bad economy.

angry at the government for not fixing it.

Angry at myself for being so weak.

Why can't I just accept it. Why do I feel like i need to fight.

People are in much worse situations than us. but why do I feel like we are as bad off as others.

Tonight D told me that if it came down to it and we had to live with my parents and he lived in his car he would probably not last long. He would just go live in the off the grid.

A stronger woman would say "fine, fuck you then!" pack her pags and the baby up in the car and drive away without looking back.

I beg and plead for him to think about it. I stay because I love him so much.

I have to be strong for my daughter.

But how can you be strong when half of your heart is ripped away?

It's a Brazzle Dazzle day.

or a crazy day. So far today I have been good. I would say great but that would be exaggerating. I have been good.

and that's OK.

D is going to his old job for a meeting. I hope he gets his job back. The eternal cockeyed optimist in me is SURE he will.

The cynic in me is assuming he wont. Self preservation I guess. Expect the worst and you wont be disappointed and all that.

Penny now has three teeth. I am still amazed by how much she has grown and changed in the last 8 months.

And I go between saying "holy crap it has already been 8 months" because in 1 second it seems time has flown by...

but then I think "really...ONLY 8 months?" because it seems like she has been here for much longer. My memories of the time before her are there but seem so distant.

It's the same with D. we have been together for 2 1/2 years. on November 12Th we will have been married for 1 year.

But it seems much longer.

And my memories of the time before him, my first marriage, my divorce.

it all seems like a bad dream. images floating around that when you really sit and think the all kind of come together like an old movie reel and you think "was that really me?" did I really do that?

I am hopeful as always about the future for my family. I know we will be OK.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Downward Spiral.

The last 4 weeks have say the least.

D being out of work has been an adjustment. Our scheduals got totally thrown off.

Penny and I have got back on our normal routin somewhat and slowley D is as well.

But he has also gotton sick.

and now I am getting sick to. ugh.

With no jobs calling him back we have been discussing options. canceling our phone and internet service. we have cell phones which are pay as you go and cheaper and our apartment offers free wi-fi.

canceling the storage untit and selling things.

The bottom line is if he doesn't have a jb within the next few weeks...penny and i will be moving in with my parents and he apparently will be living out of his car until he finds a job.

Pride will not let him move with us.

i hate HATE HATE this.

I have been crying everyday just thinking about it.

i feel so incredibly helpless right now.

My family is possibly breaking up and I am looking at not having my husband with me everynight for the first time since we started dating. Penny loves her dad. She is used to seeing him every day. how will she adjust?

All i can think anymore is "what will become of us?"

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The muchkin and more...

So a few updates...

Penny is mobile...super mobile! She went from semi crawling to flying across the floor over night. She also imedietly started pulling up and crusing the furniture and saying dada and what I can only assume is "quack quack" (as she says it in the bathtub to her rubber duckies) within 2 days.

in the past 2 weeks she went from still being a baby to blossoming into an almost toddler.

All the changes sent me into a tizzy.

but a happy one.

In other news after many months of trying diffrent therapy and making diffrent life changes...I think I may have finally found something that works to help me give a beat down on the ppd.

of course i feel great after 3 days...we will see how it goes.

D is still job hunting. It's now been two weeks since he lost his job. The worry and fear is starting to subside somewhat as we are seeing that we are ok for now. hopefully he will get hired soon. He is lucky that he works in an idustry that is hiring right now and he has 15 years experience in it.

So long story short...

We are doing ok.