Let's talk about SEX !

*warning* this post talks about sex and if that offends you...please stop reading right now.

You know what the worst part about being on my period is...on day 2 (and it never fails and always happens) I want my hubby so bad. And by want I mean...I feel the urge to jump his bones like a rabbit in spring time.

I love sex...and i really love it with the hubs. He and i have always had a great physical relationship.

But alas...on day to of aunt flo's visit...nothing happens (sometimes he may get a blow job but that's only if it's day off). normally I just fall into a sexxy dream filled sleep...

except this week. This week I told him I wanted to make out at the very least...and maybe some boobie grabbing (whatever...I have needs!)

the problem...we were at my dad's house and i was slightly tipsy because of the 2 bottles of wine my dad and I had put away that day.

And D...he was running on all of 4 hours of sleep. Needless to say nothing happend and it sucked...becaus e made D feel horrible...which made me feel like crap.

I was drunk menstrating hormonal and horny...and D was way to tired to know how to deal with it all properly.

The next morning I apologized...and he laughed. For the rest of the day he would whisper naughty comments and suggestions in my ear of all the things we could do that night when we got home and what he was going to do with me when aunt flo left...

When we got home that night I put P to bed...took a shower and layed down in bed waiting for D to finish his shower so we could get it on so to speak...

I woke up 12 hours later...*sigh*

and I was so looking forward to it too...

Time with God for Mothers...a review

Time with God for Mothers by Jack Countryman is a devotional book specificlly geard twords moms.

I have been looking for a mom devotional for a while and was excited to see this one avalible.

It was a lot smaller than i was expecting when I recived it but very nice.

I am still in the process of doing the devotional part but I liked the diffrent passages and the way it is set up with devotions geard twords specific situations.
I would say my one and only complaint is it doesn't have any where to write notes or any actual real life lessons. You have to make do with your own journal and figuring out which thing in your life it applies to.

I do like keeping it in my bedside table to read through at night.

All in all I wouldn't say it is a devotional so much as an insipiration book.

I would recomend this to be a prayer heler though.

The Empty Cradle. The first Loss

It always happens in march. Every year. Last year I actually started thinking about my loss in march but by my original due date (July 29Th)...I had for gotten.

But once again march is here and once again my thoughts are going back to that time. It seems strange to me that I don't have these thoughts in December which is when the loss occurred.

over the past year even though they are still in my mind and in my heart...I have not thought about it as much. but then yesterday looking through some old pictures...i found a belly pic from that pregnancy.

and a picture of me standing next to the crib I purchased for them.

I remember how happy i was setting it up. I was living back at home with my parents and had it set up in my bedroom.

and I remember coming home from the hospital. exhausted, heartbroken, angry, and walking into my room. and there it was...the crib with two little teddy bears.

it was a hateful reminder and yet a comfort as well. I couldn't bring myself to take it down because that would mean they were really and truly gone. So for almost 7 months there it sat.

2 times my dad tried to break it down for storage and once my mom offered it to a girl at her work that was pregnant. all three times I screamed at them hateful words. Telling them how insensitive and UN loving they were.

they didn't understand and neither did I.

a week before my due date my dad came into my room sat down and said these words...

"Michelle...the crib wont bring them back."

I broke down. For half a year people had tip toed around me and allowed me o sit in my room for hours staring at the crib. no one had been able to tell me what ME father had. My babies were gone. and the crib being up and ready for them was not going to magically make me pregnant again with two healthy babies.

A week later the teddy bears and clothes I had purchased had been packed away and put in the attic and the crib was broken down and gone. I don't know where too...i never asked. My dad waited till I was at work.

The clothes and the bears I did myself with my mom sitting next to me. It was my way of saying good bye.

To this day it is all still in my parents attic tucked away in a corner sealed up and inside with the bears and the identical sets of clothing...is a letter...to my babies.

What we teach our kids is important.

The weather is getting warmer and warmer every day. I knew this was coming. I have a love hate relationship with florida spring and summer weather. I love going to the beach and swimming by the pool and soaking up the yummy sun rays. but I hate bathing suit season.

Why?

because I have never...NEVE...looked good in a bathing suit.
I mean they show off everything!

Loising weight for me has been a struggle.

But I love the water and I want penny to have good self esteem.

So for the past 3 days we have played at the beach and the pool. And I doned a bathing suit.

And we had fun.

Then today happend.

While at the pool a group of girls came in (I would say 11-13) all in their cute little bikini bathing suits. About 5 minutes later another little girl came down with her mom (she looked like she was about 8 or 9) and she was wearing a one peice. As soon as she saw the other girls she smiled jumped in the pool and swam over to them. Now before i continue I must say that 1) this little girl was in now way overweight...but she was not developed like the other girls and 2) I was surprised by how well of a swimmer she was.

The older three girls...ignored her laughed at her called her chunky.

And I watched as she swamm back to the other side of the pool climbed the steps wrapped a towel around her sholders and sat next to her mom.

Her mom hugged her told her she was beautiful and that she was the best daughter ever.

The little girl refused to take the towel off and she and her mother left the pool 10 minutes later.

She wasn't my child. But my heart broke for her. because she was me. And she is me. Still scared of being judged and made fun of for not looking right.

But why did those other little girls think it was ok?

Then Their mothers showed up...and I understood.

because for the next 20 minuets the moms sat on pool chairs drinking wine coolers and chatting back and forth about how much weight a friend of theirs had gained and how annoying it was to go out with her now. When I got out of the pool with penny I heard one of them say "oh my god"

I ignored it...because it couldn't possibly be about me.

Then as we were leaving one of them whisperd (loudly) that poor little girl...hope she doesn't get fat like her mom.

And thats when it hit me.

those little girls...those mean insesitive little girls...were just repeting what they heard mom say and do.

So I have made a promise to myself.

I want my daughter to be happy and healthy. And to not let other people deflate her self image.

And to do that...I have to be happy with myself...and not let others deflate my self image as well.

The Mom's Bible...a book review!

As I type this review my one year old is despretly trying to help me. I think back over the past year and I have to admit...I am grateful for this book.

Mom's Bible is literlly a bible...but it has special devotionals for mom's

I am not a HUGE fan of the particular version but that has more to do with me liking the languge and being a fan of the king james version more than a critique of the book itself.

The devotionals are amazing insitful and a wonderful way to end my day.

The hardest thing

So I finally have started mourning my latest loss. It's hard. Part of it is so hard because the reality of my situation is I am fiunally in a good place with PPD. I feel safe.

The thought of having my toddler and a new baby and possibly having to deal with PPD all over again...it's terrifying.

BUT that being said...

I realize that through the healing process...I ahve become stronger. I think of all of the time lost. and I mourn that to.

I know if I do have another I am surrounded by love and people who will absolutly see me through. I wount be scared or embarressed to speak up.

I will be able to ask for help.

So with that being said I think i am in a place where I can whole heartedly say I want more kiddos. and I feel ready.

Being a native floridian...IT HAS IT'S PERKS.

I am finally ready to say it. after 28 years of complaining about living in florida because of the tourist the weather the lack of mountains...I'm saying it.

I love florida.

I love being able to walk over to sea world whenever I want (well during operatiing hours that is)

I love the beach.

I love the weather (except in august september and october...those months still suck weather wise)

When I was younger I hated living in florida...HATED it! I was born here and by here I mean straight up central florida. 20 min away from disney. All of my frineds were from other places and had lived in states that snowed. but not me. I was 18 before I got to see snow.

I always imagined when i grew up moving away from the sunshine state.

Now I can't imagine living anywhere else.

I am a florida girl. Proud and sunburned :)

The Happiest I have ever been.

You know how most people have that one thing that makes them just melt with happiness.

maybe it's chocolate. Maybe it's reading. But it is something that just hearing the words makes you feel euphoric...

I know what you are all thinking...your thinking the basis of my pure happiness is this...


Yes i love my daughter a whole lot. Yes she makes me happy beyond reality...but no...this is not what sends my boddy into shock waves of bliss.

It's this...


sigh....

Did I ever tell you all how we met? No? Well what a story.

which for right now I am not going to tell because I keep getting distracted by the man meat!!!

I sometimes ask myself howin the world I got so lucky. On the rare occasion that I accidently say it outloud and in his presence...he usually just smiles and says..."I'm the Lucky one"

I keep telling him he doesn't have to work so hard to get in my pants...

She may look like him...

and according to everyone...she does. And I do mean everyone.

My parents his parents his co-workers,My friends, the office staff at the apartments...random strangers at sea world.

in fact since she was born I think I can recall only 2 people who said she looked like me.

my family even jokes that D just sat on an egg and hatched her and question if she is actually mine...

this used to annoy me to no end.

until that is 3 weeks ago.

Penny and I were at our MOPS meeting (which my aunt is also a member of) when my daughter first went running after a little boy (who turned and ran...in horror!) and then had a meltdown like her heart was broken when he spurnned her advances.

the other ladies laughed (causing her much distress because "OMG THIS IS SERIOUS!!"

My aunt wiping a tear from her eye and trying to control her laughter announced...

"see that ladies...that dramatic she gets from her mom."

now maybe to the outsider this would seem annoying and kinda slap in the face-ish BUT...

for me (and because I know my aunt) it was a complement...

She was saying.

my daughter...is just like me :)