Thursday, February 23, 2012
I have a week till my first session with my counseler. I feel like I should be scared or something but Im not. Actually (and it pains me to admit this) I am...excited. I feel like the path to a better happier life for me and my family is close at hand. I feel great about our desision to stop trying and enjoy each other. There haven't been any "I'm Pregnant" announcements lately so I can't say how I would react to that but I feel confident that I am on my way to being able to deal with it. It feels great to be honest. The dark clouds and heacy weight on my shoulders feel less opressive. I am enjoying. penny more and not as quick to snap at her for things that are normal. We have gotten back into our routine during the day. It feels amazing.
Monday, February 20, 2012
we love that show...WIPEOUT. Last night though it triggerd an emotional breakdown. Two of the contestants (it was a couples show) Were referd to as the baby makers...they had like 5 kids. It was so glarring and in your face. And all it took was three bitter laced words to send D and I into a 3 hoour emotion ridden tear filled disscussion. D keeps his feelings close to home. He doesn't really care what other people think about the choices we have made as a family. And he trully does not understand why I let other people affect me emotionally. but everyone has a breaking point. And last night he reached his. I have spent the better part of the last year so focused on my feelings that I never gave a seond thought to his. I never thought about how it made him feel when I would cry about others getting pregnant when I wasn't. I never blamed him...it isn't his fault. But i also never made it clear that I was just venting my frustrations either. I must say..it felt good to get it all out. To cry. It was like a burden lifted from my heart and I felt lighter than ever :)
Friday, February 17, 2012
I need counseling. There I said it. It's out there now. No going back. I can't even pinpoint what is wrong. I just know it's something. I feel...wrong. Off Anxious. D is having a high stress time at work. I can't help it. I don't like that. I really wish there was something I could do. I think it's a control thing. I also am struggaling with the trying to concieve issue. I am terrified this will set me back. In my mind every time I get my period or someone announces there pregnancy I hear the soup nazi (a la seinfeild) screamign NO BABY FOR YOU!!! So yeah...counceling. I have 1 week till my first session. I just need to make it a week. Just a week. just a week.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
3 negative pregnancy test and day one of a period that is 5 days late...and obviusly...my ute is still unoccupied. I have been keeping busy. and for the past few months I have been extremly ambivilent about it. the holidays and our choice noot to focus on trying to concive helped. but now...the dissapointment if free flowing. and it doesn't help that every week someone os announcign their pregnancy. Or having a baby.
Monday, February 13, 2012
So today is baby testing day. I broke down and took a pg test last night...big fat negative. But I wasn't bummed. The logical side of my brain reminded me that A)It was not test day thereore this was just a "practice test" and B)first mrning pee is best....being full of HCG and what not. I also reminded my self that I have not had a single symptom...pregnancy or PMS. Not one. I ovulated late probablly. I will admit i have been lazy with charting since november. We decided not too focus on trying to concive during the holidays. Although finding out that three cusins are pregnant each month since then has been hard after this weekend and the relaxign holiday and all I wasnt nearly as sad as I have been. talk to me next month though. or when they have their babies. If my ute is unoccupied then yeah...the saddness will return. I know that people who read this and don't know me will just see a woman who already has a beautiful healthy little girl. They will wonder why I am feeling sad when others struggle for just one. there is no easy answer. one persons pain and struggle is not indicitive of everyones pain and struggle. Concieving our daughter and carrying her so easily made me think a second child would be jsut as easy. Now i am not so sure. Im doubting my self. I go through feelings of betrayl buy my body. wondering whatb the heck is wrong with me. *sigh* will wait another week to test. I feel a week is good. I will either get a visit from "Aunt Flow" or a posotive pregnancy test. either way I'll know.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
3 cousins pregnant. One with twins. and my ute is still empty. This is the thought going through my head for the past 3 weeks. A saddness lingering in my heart. Then something happend to turn it all around. Penny went to my parents house for the weekend and D and I had an amazing time. We went out to eat and had a wonderful meal. There was a toddler at the table behind us that was squeeling with glee and then would change it up to shreiks of NO! the other patrons were shooting angry looks at the parents. D and I just smiled. We have been there. We then went to the mall. D got a really nice new leather jacket. he has never had one. It was more expensive than any peice of clothing he has ever owned let alone actually bought or himself. But he loves it.And he deserves it. I got a Niice new pair of running shoes. We also went in the disney store and looking around at all the toys and dress up clothes...we wanted to get something for Penny. We didn't though. We decided to bring her with us oone weekend and let her pick something out on her own. But we had a wonderful amazing weekend...alone. And I realized that if we have another baby we might not get that again for a while. So in short last night I made peice with not being pregnant yet. This morning when I was getting my coffe I realized that "Aunt Flow" was supposed to show up on friday or saturday. hmmm. We will see how this plays out.