Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Staying busy and being thankful.

I love december. Christmas is absolutly my favorite holiday. But about 4 years ago...I hated it. 3 years ago I cried almost the whole day. 2 years ago my heart was heavy...but also light....and last year...was wthout a doubt my favorite christmas yet. You see four years ago...I was pregnant. Single. Lost. Broke. I had gotten pregnent by searching for "love" the only way I could think of. with sex. I had been so beaten down and made to feel so worthless by the big EX that I just didn't think that a guy wuld really love me if he got to know me. And why would he even want to take the time t get to know me anyway? I was no angelina jolie I'll tell ya that. and then all of a sudden I was pregnant. Not with one but with TWO babies. At first I thought that maybe their father would be the guy to love me. but alas...he wasn't. And I was getting used to the thought of being a single mom and having to put up with this tool for the rest of my life. I had settled into the feelings of head over heals love for my little ones. Then on christmas morning...things started to hurt. Just a slight ramp at first...and then light spotting. by dinner time I was not able to pretend any longer. Something was wrong. My parents and little sister had left that afternoon to go visit my grandfather and i stupidly had not said anythiing. I was alone in this. When they told me there was only one heartbeat...my heart started to break. I laid awake all night will they mniterd me asking for God to PLEASE keep my other baby safe. by the next morning it was over. they were both gone. The next christmas I was with D. He proposed to me n chistmas night. And while I was so in love and beyond overjoyed...my babies were still on my mind. I hide in the bathroom throut the day to cry for them. And the christmas affter that...well was 8 months pregnant. feeling my little girl move around and knowing I was going to be holding her soon was so exiting but in the back of my head my lost little ones were NEVER that far away. every quick little mvement. Every tumble every hiccup I felt...I cherished. And well...Last christmas...I had and almost oone year old. Watching her open her gifts and squeal with delight at her new toys and clthes (yes clothes...she LOVES clothes!) was amazing! And this yeart will be even better! (beccause this year D has a job!) BUT my angel babies,,,are still there. in the ornament that D got for me to remember them with on our tree. on my original due date. on the night of my miscarriage and when ever I hear my daughter laugh. I know they are with me in my heart. but the thing is...my heart doesn't hurt that much anymore.

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