Thursday, August 13, 2009

Is it me? noooooo of course not I'm perfect!

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog asking about outing an ex who I knew was lying to not only himself but also to others. I of course (because I am way to paranoid about getting sued)asked his permission to use him in a blog. He went a little postal on me via facebook and brought up nasties in our former relationship. Which got me thinking about something.
When a relationship ends well i.e. both parties agree it isnt working out no one blames the other for not trying to change or forgetting to pick up their dirty laundry and things move on. But this relationship was diffrent. I would love to say that I am happier in my life without him and that it was all his fault and to be honest most of our friends felt it was and I was justified. But...i was wrong to.

We didn't date long...just over 3 months. I was(and still am) a very passionate and physical person. I love kissing and cuddling and lets face it...I love sex. I don't know if it was to fill a void or something but i freely admit I love the closeness when I am with someone intamently. I really love it with david. I can honestly say I have the best now.

My ex was not a physical person. He could make me laugh in a second and if I had been in a better place in my life I would have never dated him but we would have been friends. About a month after we started dating I began to get irritated with little things. every day I would drive from winter garden to universal studios to pick him up from work and take him home...often I would stop at the store for him. He never once gave me money for gas and twice I ran out. On his days off he didn't want to do anyhting but sleep or hang out with his work friends at a bar I apparently wasn't allowed to go to because I wasn't "in the group". ouch. I felt alone. when I moved out of my mothers house into my own place he would insist on me driving him to his place (which was about 5 min down the road in the opposite direction)and when he finally did move in with us it became apparent very soon that his standards of house keeping and mine were vastly diffrent. I got tired of coming home from work to a mess. I think the final straw was the fact that he made me feel like an absolutely horrible person for wanting to be physical. I was tired of being ignored and lied to and put on the back burner all for the sake of "I need to focus on getting my life straight right now". fine...then why are we even together.

And then did the unthinkable...the one thing I swore I would never ever do. I cheated on him.

The funny thing is the party david and I met at...he was supposed to go to with me...but he once again bailed on me and I was actually pissed.

And then I found david we connected and next thing I know we are having a passion filled love affair that would rival any harlquin romance novel (although david doesn't have fabio's fantastic hair)

Dave realized something was up...he tried to get me back but it was to late. and he was bitter.

I could end the story there but it would not be fair to him.

Unknown to me he had a chemical imbalance that prevented him from getting aroused and feeling the feelings of passion. He was also huffing air in a can (although he wouldn't admit it even when caught). I wish he would have just talked to me but he didn't...everything was joke.

Would we still be together if he had talked or gone with me to the party? I doubt it. I love david and he is the man god has put in my life. But I still feel extrem guilt for what I put my ex through.

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