2 test one answer....no activity "down there" though...

So today is baby testing day. I broke down and took a pg test last night...big fat negative. But I wasn't bummed. The logical side of my brain reminded me that A)It was not test day thereore this was just a "practice test" and B)first mrning pee is best....being full of HCG and what not. I also reminded my self that I have not had a single symptom...pregnancy or PMS. Not one. I ovulated late probablly. I will admit i have been lazy with charting since november. We decided not too focus on trying to concive during the holidays. Although finding out that three cusins are pregnant each month since then has been hard after this weekend and the relaxign holiday and all I wasnt nearly as sad as I have been. talk to me next month though. or when they have their babies. If my ute is unoccupied then yeah...the saddness will return. I know that people who read this and don't know me will just see a woman who already has a beautiful healthy little girl. They will wonder why I am feeling sad when others struggle for just one. there is no easy answer. one persons pain and struggle is not indicitive of everyones pain and struggle. Concieving our daughter and carrying her so easily made me think a second child would be jsut as easy. Now i am not so sure. Im doubting my self. I go through feelings of betrayl buy my body. wondering whatb the heck is wrong with me. *sigh* will wait another week to test. I feel a week is good. I will either get a visit from "Aunt Flow" or a posotive pregnancy test. either way I'll know.