Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Empty Cradle. The first Loss

It always happens in march. Every year. Last year I actually started thinking about my loss in march but by my original due date (July 29Th)...I had for gotten.

But once again march is here and once again my thoughts are going back to that time. It seems strange to me that I don't have these thoughts in December which is when the loss occurred.

over the past year even though they are still in my mind and in my heart...I have not thought about it as much. but then yesterday looking through some old pictures...i found a belly pic from that pregnancy.

and a picture of me standing next to the crib I purchased for them.

I remember how happy i was setting it up. I was living back at home with my parents and had it set up in my bedroom.

and I remember coming home from the hospital. exhausted, heartbroken, angry, and walking into my room. and there it was...the crib with two little teddy bears.

it was a hateful reminder and yet a comfort as well. I couldn't bring myself to take it down because that would mean they were really and truly gone. So for almost 7 months there it sat.

2 times my dad tried to break it down for storage and once my mom offered it to a girl at her work that was pregnant. all three times I screamed at them hateful words. Telling them how insensitive and UN loving they were.

they didn't understand and neither did I.

a week before my due date my dad came into my room sat down and said these words...

"Michelle...the crib wont bring them back."

I broke down. For half a year people had tip toed around me and allowed me o sit in my room for hours staring at the crib. no one had been able to tell me what ME father had. My babies were gone. and the crib being up and ready for them was not going to magically make me pregnant again with two healthy babies.

A week later the teddy bears and clothes I had purchased had been packed away and put in the attic and the crib was broken down and gone. I don't know where too...i never asked. My dad waited till I was at work.

The clothes and the bears I did myself with my mom sitting next to me. It was my way of saying good bye.

To this day it is all still in my parents attic tucked away in a corner sealed up and inside with the bears and the identical sets of a my babies.

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