July 29th. Today started normal. Penny woke up, I changed and feed her and we played together. She sat in the kitchen and watched me unload the dishwasher and make coffee. for 3 hours it was just the two of us (with D sleeping in the next room of course)
I laid her down for a nap grabbed my bible and did my devotional for the day. it was normal.
and then I looked at the calander...and saw the date.
This was the due date for the twins. They would have been 2.
Before D and I met I was in a bad place. I was seperated from my ex and I was despretly seeking love...even if it was just the physical and this very self destructive behavior led to me being pregnant with a set of twin boys. By someone who was not so nice.
I went from shock to deeply afraid to ridiculusly happy within a 3 day span. and on dec 25 of 2007...My heart was shatterd. I started bleeding. I spent christmas night at the emergancy room. One of the twins had already died. His heart had stopped. For 3 hours I waited with hope that my other baby would make it. I was devestated when he didn't.
I was not far along. And some people would question how sad I could be over a loss so soon.
But I was.
seeing the date today knowing if I had carried full term penny would have 2 older brothers was like having a bucket of ice water dumped on me. Who would they have looked like? What would they be like?
and when she is old enough how do I properly explain to penn about her brothers in heaven?
Not a day goes by that I don't think about them at least once.
Sometimes my thoughts are sad. Sometimes they are angry but lately they have been happy. I had them for such a small amount of time and I am now more or less focusing on the happyness we shared. The little flutters I could feel. The dreams.
And today my thoughts..."Happy birthday my sweet angels"