The shelter of my heart.

I have slaked on going to church in the past 10 years.

Truth be told I disliked getting up and going to church every sunday growing up. The main service was boring to me and seemed to drag on forever. But i loved sunday school and youth group and choir.

Choir and singing...always my favorite. Whenever we sang in church was when i felt close to God.

When I turned 18 and got my first job at disney....I stopped going to church. Because I had to work. Now I had an excuse! I mean shurly God wouldn't begrudge me going to work on sunday so someone else could have the day off to be with their family right?

Truth is...it was just an excuse. I married someone who was against the church and would have never set foot in one. and after the split when I lived with my mom...I went to church...sometimes.

David is catholic and I was raised baptist. When I was pregnent we decided to raise her catholic. After attending 1 mass I knew this was right.

I am excited about going to worship service now. not just for the singing but to hear the message. I WANT to read my bible and do daily devotions during the week and I am getting better about praying everyday.

I wonder sometimes if I had been taken to a catholic service when I was younger if I would have choosen to be catholic on my own.

For in this church I have found...

a shelter for my heart.

when it gets awkward

I am lucky. In so many ways. But i have to say i am luckiest in the way that I am, even after two years, still head over heels in love with my husband. Yes I know, It's only two years. But we were told...after six months the physical relationship will ebb. and then we were told after we got married our sex life would go dry. and then we were told after penny gets here...it would be dead.

None of that has happend. granted when we first started dating we would spend the weekend together in a hotel somewhere. And lets face it I love sex. Yes thats right I said it. love it more than shoes. And in D I have found my perfect partener.

Usually we are both in sync and all about the sexy time when ever we get the chance.

But soemtimes, every once n a while. it just doesn't work out.

maybe the baby wakes up before we really have a chance to do anything. maybe we are both so dogged tired.

Last night though we were all about the sexy time. And it just didn't work. Which made me feel sad and regected. D was frustrated, I was pouting, and all in all neither one of us spoke to the other.

until i realized how tired I was and layed down to go to sleep.

And D kissed me good night.

sometimes just a kiss is just a wonderful as sexy time itself.

Why is it a big deal?

I grew up in florida. I love the beach. The sun the sand the smell and most of all the water. letting the waves crash into you and knock you down...or that is...I did.

I hate that penny may not have the beautiful beaches of pensecola. I want to cry when I see the animals covers in oil. When I see a huge oil slick in my ocean. and when i watch the live feed of the oil just spilling non-stop I want to cry even harder.

I want penny to have a clean home...inside and out. I want her to grow up respecting earth and knowing the importance of recycling and "being green"

I am cloth diapering for that very reason.

One of my favorite moms is doing a giveaway for some very adorable eco-friendly books

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#%21/pages/Mommy-Saves-Money/112447762104183?ref=ts

Not only is she green but also a wealth of info for discounts and savings!

Kinda makes me feel quesy

So as I have posted before when my ex and I split up...I went a little bit crazy.
I had a friend whom I have known for years. We worked together and always had a lot of shall we say...sexual tension...and we flirted....all the time.

My ex could have cared less. In the end she even suggested I hook up with him.

Well wonder of wonders when the ex and I split up he was also in the middle of a divorce from his wife.

We went out for coffee and lunch a few times. Never a date just...friends. We talked about our seperations what went wrong how we were dealing...and we flirted.

Finally after about a month...we slept together. after that once or twice a month we would meet up for lunch and sex.

Even when I was dating again I would even end up in his bed. but then I met D.

I thought it was just lust at first. But after the first day I was very aware of how much i not only wanted D physically but also how much i needed him emotionally.

I stopped taking m's calls and deleted his emails.

Now over 2 years later i every once in a while will get an email from him.

They usually have pictures that are inapropriate. I have told him many times to stop...i don't hear from him for 3-4 months and then it's back to the same old same old...so I think I need to change my email.

*sigh*

I feel like I should be sad letting go of a friendship...but honestly Im just angry and disgusted

It's a new day

4 and a half months...no wait scratch that...2 and a half years...nope not that either.

Ok so lets just go with...a long time ago...I was happy. I loved my life my family my friends...we will call this time period HIGH SCHOOL. And more specificlly...my senior year. My happiness lasted another 2 years after graduation. and then something changed. I meet the big ole ex.

and my happiness..the joy i felt waking up in the morning...was gone. After our seperation The saddness lingerd. like the smell in a bathroom...and over time i got used to it. And it nearly destroyed not only me but my relationship with D as well as D himself.

I made bad choices and betrayed his trust all the while crying because I knew I was killing him. I needed help but didn't want him to know how broken I was. To him I was perfection. And he forgave me over and over and over again.

Until one day he couldn't take it anymore. He was angry, and justifiablly so.

i thought it was the end. But it wasn't. It lasted 3 days.

Hearing him say I love you again and knowing what could happen changed me.

I admited my problems I got help and now for the first time in 8 or 9 years.

I am happy again. The joy is back.

Life is wonderful

The baby is sleeping. I have lasagna in the oven cooking. Lord of the rings is playing in the background.

david is at work. I wish he didn't work nights. i hate not eating dinner with him. I hate not saying goodnight.

But i love my life.

I'm coverd in vomit. Have bags under my eyes. and haven't put on make-up or done my hair in a week.

But i love my life!!!

My birth story.

I know I posted this on my other blog but since I decided to write exclusivly on this blog I decided to go ahead and post it here as well.

January 12th...3:00 A.M. contractions...5 min. apart. 30-45 seconds long.

David went to sleep...I stayed up...and cleaned the kitchen...took a shower...cleaned the living room....took another shower...recleaned the kitchen (do you see where this is going)

10:25 call the birthing center. They told me to relax and call as soon as my water has broken.

10:27 lay down to get some sleep.

30 seconds later...water breaks.

they next 2 hours were boring. calling family birhting center and updating facebook (yep I am that girl).

arrive at birthing center at 12:30

I labored till about 5:40. It was relaxing. D massaging my back as I breathed through each contraction while sitting on the birthing ball (best invention ever)

at 5:40 I started pushing.

10 min later my beautiful daughter was born.

I can't even put into words the amazing feeling it was to give birth. the pain the joy everything.

and I absolutly can't wait till I do it again :)