Lost...

Today started out good. and then D got the phone call he had been waiting for.

A small glimer of hope. Maybe the nightmare would end. Maybe he could get his job back.

When he got home I knew. I knew the meeting didn't go as he hoped.

more tears. God I didn't think I could cry anymore. But I did. A whole new ocean seemed to form.

It's like a nightmare where you keep trying to outrun the invisable horror that is behind you and you just can't

3 weeks. That is about how long i have with him. I am so angry and heartbroken.

Why can't he stay with us. Why is he not seeing the way this is killing me.

and what about penny.

She loves him so much. But she is only 8 months old. How dare he even think of leaving her without memories of him.

I am so angry at so many right now.

Angry at him for giving up and even suggesting that we live without him...even for a day.

Angry at the company for not taking him back.

Angry at all of the companies that are hiring but didn't even call him for an interview.

Angry at the bad economy.

angry at the government for not fixing it.

Angry at myself for being so weak.

Why can't I just accept it. Why do I feel like i need to fight.

People are in much worse situations than us. but why do I feel like we are as bad off as others.


Tonight D told me that if it came down to it and we had to live with my parents and he lived in his car he would probably not last long. He would just go live in the woods...dissapear...live off the grid.

A stronger woman would say "fine, fuck you then!" pack her pags and the baby up in the car and drive away without looking back.

I beg and plead for him to think about it. I stay because I love him so much.

I have to be strong for my daughter.

But how can you be strong when half of your heart is ripped away?