So before I begin I do need to put a few things out there.
About 2 years before i got pregnant with penny I was pregnant with a set of twins. boys. I lost them both at 20 weeks. I was devestated. But I was also in my most secret heart of hearts...relived. I was single. And the "baby daddy" was...well he had the mentality of a 2 year old and 3 kids already scatterd throughout the U.S.A. That he never saw and didn't pay child support on. I was stupid and reckless.
So fast forward to me being pregnant with penn. I was in my 2nd tri and had just reached 24 weeks when one of my fellow bumpies (who was about 3 weeks behind me) went into pre-term labor and lost her son. I must have cried everyday for 3 weeks straight for her.
fast forward a little bit more and I am in labor (and it was a pretty quick an easy labor at that)i give birth to my beautiful daughter.
Aww see look at the happy family. Happy baby Happy daddy Happy mommy.
*sound of screaching tires on pavement*
Mommy was not nearly as happy as one would belive her to be.
after my family left my husband went to get us something to eat and the midwives left me alone to rest with her.
All i wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to curl up around her because it was hot as hell in the birthing room (I know it was to keep her warm)and I just wanted to rip the blankets they had covering me off and splay out on the bed and sleep.
But thats normal right? I mean I just went through labor.
A week later D had to go back to work. I cried so hard. I didn't want to be left alone with her all day. I didn't know what I was doing!!!
A month later I began daydreaming about the most awful things happening to her.
But they didn't make me sad or scared. I knew something was wrong. Normal women did not imagine their infants drowning in the tub or falling out of their arms over the railing with out crying or feeling awful.
I thought back to my loss. The loss of friends and family. How dare I not be grateful! I didn't deserve my daughter my husband or my life.
The first (and last) time I ever in my life attempted to kill myself...was when penny was 6 weeks old.
Obviously I didn't. I won't go into what happend as it is hard enough writing most of this out.
I got the help I should have gotten in the begining.
Everyday I pray for others to do the same. No one should have to deal with that kind of pain alone. no one