Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I don't like talking about my flair...I just don't.

So before I begin I do need to put a few things out there.

About 2 years before i got pregnant with penny I was pregnant with a set of twins. boys. I lost them both at 20 weeks. I was devestated. But I was also in my most secret heart of hearts...relived. I was single. And the "baby daddy" was...well he had the mentality of a 2 year old and 3 kids already scatterd throughout the U.S.A. That he never saw and didn't pay child support on. I was stupid and reckless.

So fast forward to me being pregnant with penn. I was in my 2nd tri and had just reached 24 weeks when one of my fellow bumpies (who was about 3 weeks behind me) went into pre-term labor and lost her son. I must have cried everyday for 3 weeks straight for her.

fast forward a little bit more and I am in labor (and it was a pretty quick an easy labor at that)i give birth to my beautiful daughter.

Aww see look at the happy family. Happy baby Happy daddy Happy mommy.

*sound of screaching tires on pavement*

Mommy was not nearly as happy as one would belive her to be.

after my family left my husband went to get us something to eat and the midwives left me alone to rest with her.

All i wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to curl up around her because it was hot as hell in the birthing room (I know it was to keep her warm)and I just wanted to rip the blankets they had covering me off and splay out on the bed and sleep.

But thats normal right? I mean I just went through labor.

A week later D had to go back to work. I cried so hard. I didn't want to be left alone with her all day. I didn't know what I was doing!!!

A month later I began daydreaming about the most awful things happening to her.
But they didn't make me sad or scared. I knew something was wrong. Normal women did not imagine their infants drowning in the tub or falling out of their arms over the railing with out crying or feeling awful.

I thought back to my loss. The loss of friends and family. How dare I not be grateful! I didn't deserve my daughter my husband or my life.

The first (and last) time I ever in my life attempted to kill myself...was when penny was 6 weeks old.

Obviously I didn't. I won't go into what happend as it is hard enough writing most of this out.

I got the help I should have gotten in the begining.

Everyday I pray for others to do the same. No one should have to deal with that kind of pain alone. no one


Nicole Stacy said...

I wish mom's would stop feeling shame. I had two horrible screamers, I mean atrocious, I was stressed to the max and sleep deprived beyond what I ever thought my body could handle. Hence a wonderful case of the crazies.
I can remember my son, screaming for 3-4 hours straight, turns out I lost my milk and him being 2 months at 6lbs is not the ideal weight of a child. He went to the hospital and began to calm down, I'd scream too if I were as hungry as him, his birth weight was 7.5lbs. So we got him all better, then he kept screaming! Are you kidding me? I swore that he just had it out for me, a type of sick revenge for letting him nearly starve to death. (weird yes, but in mommy world it made sense)
Next problem we never found out till the #2 screamer came into our lives. I had the same depression, I wasn't a good mother, something was wrong with me or the child... I wasn't sane enough to know. Luckily I had a wonderful "alternative" Dr, he solved my problem, my son's problem, and my daughter's problem. We were all lactose and gluten intolerant, (I also had a severe hyperthyroid, and still struggle with it to this day) Hmm now that would explain why when the kids threw a fit their backs arched, and all I heard was the blood curdling screams that brought me to tears because I knew something was wrong with them, but mostly because I just couldn't take it anymore. Sam, I would have to take him out of the tub because I would swear that I could hold him under the water for just a short time and he'd be fine and I'd finally have a moment of quiet. (don't worry I never did, I knew when enough was enough) As for my daughter, I would buckle her in her car seat put a bottle in her mouth, then place her in the pantry and close the door. I can remember how depressed I was, I swore off children, well anymore at least, don't get me wrong two is enough... unless God takes charge :(
So back to my original point, mother's shouldn't feel shame, if you had someone screaming at you all day, i.e. your boss you would probably quit, punch them in the face or shoot them and anyone else that would get in your way. It is no wonder that women are overloaded, being a mom means you could seriously screw up someone's life, with the greatest of ease. We have so many hormones raging, too many not enough, and these hormones are completely unforgiving. They regulate if we're too tired, if we're "in the mood", if we want to cry because I saw a commercial to adopt puppies from the pound, or if we're going to punch the next person in the face that even remotely looks like they want trouble. If your arm was broken you wouldn't hesitate to go get it fixed, so why hesitate with a "broken brain" so to speak. Depression is real, I personally prefer the natural way but do what it takes to help yourself. Being a mom is tough enough, it is insane! Totally worth it, but when it use you be "all about you", then bam you're a mom now because you had sex and you pushed, that's a load!

Captain Cleavage said...

Thanks Nicole. I think people trivilize things a lot to keep from feeling judgment. I know there is help out there now and that it is ok to ask for it.

Sometimes it does have to be all about me. know what I mean?